Episode VII

Blanket Boy's Pierced Ears.. vii

Please… can we figure this out before I look like even more of an idiot?

I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time – it’s been happening for a while and I just kept forgetting to include it. So, at the Montessori school I’m assigned to garbage duty every Thursday. Basically, I wheel out the garbage cans to the street for the school and for all our neighbors. It’s supposed to be a total of 10 cans that I wheel out (I always end up with either 9 or 11.. wondering where the fuck I went wrong). But anyway, one of the teachers there was like

“oh wow.. trash duty. They must not like you. I had that a while ago, it’s awful”\

-“honestly, I don’t really mind it that much, especially on a nice day, it’s a nice little break from the classroom”

“yeah, I guess. I just feel really awkward going up into their yards to get their trash cans.. Jean (that’s my boss) acts like we’re doing them this big favor, but really nobody has ever asked them if they even want us to take their garbage down to the street. And if it were me, I’m not sure I would want some strange guy coming into my yard and taking my garbage can.”

-“woah… yeah, I didn’t know that”

Seriously? Just have Texas John go and do the dirty work? It’s Montana, I could get fucking shot by some crazy meth-head. But the story gets way better. When I had that ^^ conversation, I didn’t really believe the teacher. I was like “oh well… why would they care?” but then, the next Thursday, I went to get one of the trash cans and found it locked to the porch with a bike-lock. Like “NO. DO NOT TAKE OUR TRASH.” Plus the lady who lives there glared at me as I came walking up. I guess it’s all in a day’s work.

Irony III

This one’s about yon Joe and more of his adventures.

Montessori Misadventures

It’s been a while since I’ve done this section.. because I tend to do more or less the same thing every day. And as fascinating as it is to me, I know that you don’t want to hear over and over about how great that game of glue tag was. (if you do you, can always just re-read old episodes). But a few crazy/cute things happened this week

I. – The kids invented a new game. It’s called the “let’s steal John’s hat and hide under the pavilion with it” game. It’s actually really fun, I get to chase the kids all around the playground for a half hour or so. They all conspire against me to keep me from getting my hat back until it’s actually time for me to go. They’re pretty good about giving it back then.

II. – unfortunately, they’re not always good about letting me go. Even when I’m already late because I lost track of time. (yes I know, that’s a fragment.) Lately, they’ve taken to all grabbing a-hold of me and refusing to let go. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole. I pry 3 of them off and then 4 more grab on to me. It’s okay though, it just means that I have to start trying to leave about 5 minutes before I actually have to leave. I’m training to be a parent. (did your parents ever do that? Like okay kids time to go! 1 hour later…. Okay kids, REALLY, time to go. And then it’s another ½ hour before you actually leave).

III. – Most of the kids who come to the Montessori school have very young, very attractive moms. It’s actually kinda crazy –I’ve never seen that many milfs in one place before. Plus a lot of them volunteer there – and they’re all super nice too. Anyway, one of the kids named Mason comes up to me on Monday and he’s like

“hey John, my mom says you’re sexy!”

“uhhh what?”

“my mom, she keeps telling me how you’re sexy”

2 questions kid:

1 – where did you learn that word? You’re 5.

2 – is your mom single?

Yeah, just thought I’d include that because it was super validating. It made me feel good about myself until I realized that it didn’t change the fact that Michelle Rodriguez has no clue who I am.

Munch. Munch Munch.

That’s the sound a fairy muncher makes. I think I can actually take credit for that term? Pretty sure I developed it. I definitely popularized it. My original definition of a fairy muncher is anyone who deletes a facebook comment. It tends to have a negative connotation E.g. “that stupid fairy muncher.”

I started using it because I needed a way to describe the frustration I felt when I would go looking for a comment and find that it no longer existed. Fairy muncher just seemed to fit. Hitting that little “x” is like munchin on a fairy

Then it morphed and became a generic term for someone who has taken to munching fairies/being obnoxious/stupid on a regular basis.

Just another reason not to make friends anytime you’re in Montana

Although, to be fair – I think this is more a “don’t make friends on the bus” issue. I was riding the bus, talking to Noah about something sarcastic (I don’t remember quite what) when crazy lady in front of me starts to turn around and grin. I’d seen this behavior before from bus-goers. Generally it’s an indicator that they’re trying to decide how heinous to make their interruption. I went for the glare method (e.g. glare at them as they start to grin and hope they take a hint).. forgetting that my glare needs improvement.

Crazy chick was undaunted – she sounds slightly hungover as she pipes up,

“so, I’m trying to get my degree online”

*at this point, noah goes for the “duck and cover” method. He hid behind the seat. it worked for him, but I was already stuck in the conversation*

Not wanting to be rude, I replied very courteously, but with subtle intonations indicating my disgust, “oh yeah? What’re you majoring in?”

“oh you know, I’m trying to get a degree in business, but I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes online. I’m not so good with technology najklnbsdainqionvajauigiasunvjsdbnas baisufasbv asdjvnajslvnsaibgoiu asjkbvjknajklsdfasjdbnaksv sdqowiasjnvalksjdf. I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes! Sajlknvajksnhvauhqwiounba vbv asdhfvsajdbn vx n asdhbjsabkjcbahbdaf jalkjdsb sadv I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes!”

*she kept repeating that point.. thought she was awful clever she did.*

-“yeah sounds crazy”

“yeah you know, I just want to be able to help people, like maybe design a super-race or something”

-“oh yeah?”

“yeah, because you know, I have 100% immunity – like I’m immune to everything and I just want to be able to use that to help other people, you know – do something good for mankind.”

*struggling not to laugh* “oh wow, yeah that sounds really helpful”

“yeah you know, I really just want to help people so that maybe someday they can all be like me”

I shit you not. That is as close to verbatim as I can remember. I had to bite my tongue. I almost said “too bad you’re not immune to obesity.” Anyway, she went on to tell me how “my son goes to the same school as you and is in the honor society and drives a red Volkswagen. Oh and by the way his name is Xanthium. Just don’t tell him I told you or he’ll get upset that his square mom was talking about him” <-- her word choice is ironic because she was literally square, but not slang-square.

Prom.

Prom. So before anything, I want to say that it was amazing. I saw 10-20 of my best friends in the entire world for the first time in months. And I finally got to experience that amazing sensation that you can only get when you’re surrounded by a crowd of people, letting your body flow to their rhythm with music playing loud enough for the vibrations to dislocate your ribs. With 20 of my best friends in the world no less. But I have 2 complaints:

1 – why do I have to grow up? It made me realize that seeing those people – the friends whom I love will never again be mundane. It will always be a big deal. (which is nice in a way.. I guess) but even coming home.. seeing my parents/my dog/my house is an ordeal. Sobering thought right? Really I think I just suffered from the lack of an afterparty. It gave me a weird feeling somewhere between homesickness and wanderlust.

2 – why would you ever, EVER get a dj from Kalispell named DJ Q? more like DJ WillYouPleaseSTFU? I’m pretty sure that he literally did not know what dubstep was. Almost everyone at the dance asked him to play more dubstep and all he said was “I’ve been playin’ it all night man.” Um… no? no you really haven’t. sorry man, but contrary to public belief metallica and Ke$ha do not magically combine to make dubstep.

Meth – round II. I lost this one.

We had another interaction with Todd (that’s the name of the crazy meth-head I invited over to dinner a couple weeks ago). He came outside and started helping us rake our yard. We got to talking.. turns out he does stuff like that because his doctor told him that he doesn’t get enough exercise. He figured he might as well help people out while he exercises. No, he’s not a meth-head, and yes I am a fucking asshole. Sorry man, I really am – I mean you’re still crazy and only have one tooth, but as far as I can tell you’re nothing more than a sweet, lonely man who’s just as scared of a premature death as the rest of us are.

My no boost. <-- for any wondering, that’s the first sentence I ever said. Apparently, I didn’t want my mom to boost me up into the car.

Olivia, one of the few friends I’ve managed to make at the school had some crazy shit happen to her a couple weeks ago. (it actually provides even more evidence for the scarcity of sanity in Kalispell). She was minding her own business, wiping down a table at work when some lady comes up to her and asks her if she could please “marry me over the phone to my husband who’s in prison right now”

Seriously.. who does that? I mean clearly somebody in Kalispell does. Anyway, Olivia said that she would (really there’s not much else that you can say.. like NO I WILL NOT PRESIDE OVER YOUR WEDDING). So she got her boss/2 other people to be the witnesses and helped them with their vows. Then they got the groom on the line and did the thing right there. Good thing she hadn’t already used her phone a friend lifeline. Okay sorry, that was lame.

That sounds like some Alice In Wonderland shit to me:

And then a sofa came from within the trees, flolloping (for that is the most precise way to describe a sofa’s movement) up to Alice.

“please,” the sofa begged, “could you preside over my wedding?”

-“whoever could want to marry you?” Alice asked, before clasping a hand across her mouth – as though attempting to prevent the distastefulness of her comment from leaking out into the world.

But the sofa was unfazed, “why the TV of course!” it replied. “we’ve been engaged for 3 years! Have you not heard? No matter, no matter, We would have long since been married.. probably divorced too. If only I could have found a minister sooner. But now I’ve found you!”

-“but.. I’m not a minister.”

“nonsense, pure poppycock. I do wish you were an honest minister. No matter, no matter. It shall have to do, I simply must be married!”

-“excuse me! I shan’t do anything for you until you lose that tone.”

“right you are. I do apologize, I simply have cold legs!”

Alice looked down and did indeed notice that the sofa’s legs were completely engulfed in snow. “Oh my! We must get you someplace warm. Where is the TV?”

“he’s been chained to Humpty’s wall since the day that I met him 3 years ago, but don’t worry, he has promised me that he will tear himself free and elope with me as soon as we could find a minister to marry us”

Alice looked up then, and noticed that there was a rather large brick wall with a TV resting on top. And there, sitting in the utmost repose, occaisionally flipping from one channel to another sat Mr. Dumpty.

“Quickly! Quickly!” the sofa urged alice, “do you take my beloved TV to be my lawful wedded husband until the day you die?”

-“I suppose I do” replied Alice

“well do you or don’t you, for if you don’t I must be off to find a new minister!”

-“oh goodness, I do.”

And with that the TV leapt down from atop the wall and shattered on the ground. The sofa flolloped away with a curiously satisfied look in its cushions, while Mr. Dumpty flew into a blind rage.

“Goddamit you fucking bastard child” he shrieked, “I hope your ancestors all die in childbirth. You filthy wh….” But his rage was interrupted – for in his blindness, Humpty had accidently stumbled off the side of the wall. He splattered on the ground, splashing yolk on Alice in a most repulsive manner.

______________________________________________________________

Wow, did I really just write that? I honestly didn’t intend to write a short story. It sorta just happened. It’s actually quite layered. Subtlety, I believe it’s called. Hope you found that enjoyable.

The Morgan Files

For those who don’t know, I have a roommate. For those who don’t know, his name is Morgan. For those who don’t know, he’s the fuckin’ man and I love him a lot. Plus, he’s quite a character. He was the co-inspiration for the coloring book, and for most of the other awesome things that I do. This week, we collective decided that it would be a good idea for me to include a section in this blog called “the morgan files.” Its sole purpose is to follow the weekly undertakings of one, Morgan Kulkin.

So… this past week, Morgan shaved his beard into a mustache, was complimented on his mustache by some random guys driving down the street, was hit on by some Mexican dude on facebook, and shaved his mustache. Also this week, Morgan decided to shout out “watercolors…. Oh wow!” in his sleep. Neither of us can quite figure out why.

The Web (-----> look over there for quick access to this section now)

News about news and the like

I’m quite a fan of news about news, especially when the news within news contains jokes within jokes. Like the story about how a Fox News reporter played an april fool’s joke on his fellow reporter. It’s funny, I was under the impression that the entire show was a joke..? Basically he gets her to lick an ipad and it’s hilarious. Definitely worth checking out: http://www.tipb.com/2011/04/06/wednesday-fun-video-news-anchor-cohost-lick-ipad-april-fools-joke/

Also, if you have not seen the Scarlet takes a tumble video yet.. it’s a must see. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIwTYL1fwJk

That lady has millions of people laughing at her. In fact, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1FBqwjzbSA

She has people laughing at people laughing at her. That’s pretty impressive Scarlet.

For funsies

http://features.cgsociety.org/newgallerycrits/g85/362285/362285_1232630961_large.jpg

so yeah… I saw that and was like wtf. That’s not cool at all. But check it, that’s 100% cgi. I thought it was real.

http://stories-etc.com/awards.htm

sometimes the stereotype is actually true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icjasmCEoqM

Logorama – this video is brilliant, if you have 16 minutes of your life to spare. If not, then it’s your loss. It’s not funny or particularly crazy. But it’s impressive.

Music

Kesha – blow remix. Kasha is one of my guilty pleasures. I think this is one of the best remixes I’ve ever heard. Ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul2-c2pxQqo

Zion y Lennox – Ahora. First heard this song on an old version of FIFA (the soccer game). It’s not bad for some latin shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlyMT82-Afc

Zion I – Coastin’ – literally the best song to listen to when you’re standing on top of a mountain looking at the line you’re about to cut down 3 feet of powder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrvvDnFGfjY