Happy Friday: Episode IV

In anticipation of the coloring book.. IV
WHAT CAN’T YOU SNEAK INTO A MOVIE THEATER?

I’m convinced that there’s not much that fits that category. I decided on a whim to test it this past weekend. My friends and I were all going to see Battle LA. Before the movie, we made a pit stop at the dollar tree (great place to shop when you’re a poor college kid by the way) and we all bought food/drinks for the movie. Most of the kids bought a can of coke.. or maybe a 20oz bottle if they were feeling adventurous. I was eyeing that 2-liter of orange stuff. I experimented with it for a bit.. shoving it under my shirt and asking one or another of my friends if it was noticeable. Then I realized that other people in the store would probably be under the impression that I was contemplating stealing their orange stuff. So, I went ahead and bought the stuff, then one of my friends piped up, asking the cashier if he knew whether it was possible to sneak that stuff into the theater. He said that it was totally doable (he was a chiller by the way, long hair, beard.. total ski-bum) – he even offered some advice, he suggested I have a couple of my friends walk in front of me to make it less noticeable. We thanked him for his help and left.

Then, while we were walking around, munching on ice cream and waiting for Battle LA to start, I came to a realization – there was no way in hell that they weren’t going to notice that I had a fucking huge orange bottle under my shirt. I tried shoving it down my pants.. but that was no better. Nobody’s packin that hard. I needed a new tactic. Inspiration struck while I was sharing a coldstone “love it” cup with one of my house-mates. (ben ‘n jerry’s is way better.. don’t ever buy coldstone. And if you aren’t faced with that option because you live in the middle of fucking nowhere Montana, then at least don’t get skittles mixed in, they freeze. Then every time you bite one, you’re in your head like “omgomgomg is my tooth breaking??? Oh wait.. that’s the skittle” and somehow your brain never quite figures out that your teeth aren’t breaking, so you go through the entire ice cream dreading the skittles)

Anyway, inspiration struck me, I decided to take off my jacket and drape it around the bottle, clutching it to my side in what I hoped was a relatively normal hoodie-holding pose. The only flaw was that my left side was immobilized and it was rather obvious that there was something heavy in the hoodie because my entire arm was flexed. But hey, people never notice that shit. Then when we were about to walk in, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to maneuver my wallet/get my ticket with only one arm, so I asked my best friend to buy my ticket for me. I meant for him to buy both tickets as one transaction with the $20 I gave him and then pay me back later. I guess he didn’t comprehend that – he had the lady do it as two transactions but paid for both of us. It’s okay though, the lady probably just thought I was mentally handicapped or something – I definitely heard the girls behind us making fun of me like:

“ohey can you just like order dinner for me, I’m too shy”

Laughter

Ahhahahahaha so funny, let’s laugh at the retard ahahaha. Fuck you.

It’s okay though, they didn’t get 2 liters of orange stuff while watching Michelle Rodriguez fuck up aliens for 2 hours.

On that note:

MICHELLE FUCKING RODRIGUEZ

Is definitely my biggest celebrity crush ever.. including the Emma Watson obsession I had in 3rd grade. which is weird because she’s old enough to be my mom. I dunno man, something about that feisty latin spunk just does it for me. Plus I can totally relate to her, she kicked out of 6 schools growing up. I didn’t quite manage that, but I sure tried. Anyway, she’s still full of wisdom like – “if you ever crave knowledge, there’s always a library” or “If you fear it, run towards it like a train, kid, life is short.” ß possibly my favorite quote ever. Everything she just say is my favorite thing to do too.. like every day. Anyway, that’s all. Just felt the need to get it out there.

IRONY

Okay.. honestly I can’t print this section. At least not on facebook. People might be offended at me. So if you want this section, then either “like” this note or comment in your email or both and I’ll send it to you. Or do neither, but if you do neither then I probably won’t email it to you. Your loss. It’s fucking hilarious. (note the additional level of irony that arises from my inability to print the irony section on facebook because of the irony presented in it) just to pique your interest, it involves an extreme lack of discretion on the part of one, Joe and justice being served to that same one, Joe.

TALENT SHOW

Noah, my best friend here currently, was performing drops of jupiter at a talent show here last Friday night. All the rest of us here got pretty excited about going to watch him/cheer him on. But we were operating under the assumption that it was going to be free. I mean it makes sense for it to be free, why would the hell would they charge us to watch? I dunno either man, it’s kind of a boner-kill. So I got there and saw it was $5 to get in. I thought about paying for a couple of seconds, and then remembered that Noah is just as stingy as me and that he would totally understand/not hold it against me if I didn’t pay. In fact, he might feel bad for me if I did pay like “dude why the hell would you pay? I could play that song for you any time” and without Noah, there’s definitely not $5 worth of talent in Kalispell. Instead, I spent my Friday night on facebook trying/failing to find old friends to talk to. Apparently normal people have lives that don’t revolve around not spending money.

MONTESSORI MISADVENTURES

Honestly, it’s been a pretty uneventful week (relatively speaking) at the school. This one little 5 year old girl named Gabby did invite me to her house though. I met her for the first time and she was like “I like you, you can come over to my house and watch megamind” I was like “uhhh wouldn’t your mom think it a little weird for some stranger to come over?” I didn’t know how to say no without hurting her feelings. She persisted for a while like “no, she doesn’t care if I invite you, you can come” eventually I managed to distract her with something else until she forgot about it. But the best part is that I was talking to one of the other guys that works there.. turns out she did the exact same thing to him. He took the course of:

“hmm, why don’t you invite some of your other friends here?”

“wait, but aren’t you my friend too?”

“……yeah, I am!”

“well then, you can come and watch megamind.”

*sigh* I guess she didn’t get the memo about not inviting strange men 12 years older than you over when your mom hasn’t ever met them. She’s a sweetheart when she forgets about megamind though.

Also, there’s a little girl named Lexy – she was feeling sick one day, so I got assigned to sit with her and entertain her so that she didn’t annoy anybody. I started talking to her for a while about her cat, and then she mentioned that she had dogs at home too. So I asked her “oh! Are you a dog person or a cat person?” she gave me a quizzical look so I thought I should clarify, “do you like dogs better or cats better?” she thought for a good 30-45 seconds before replying “chicken!” with a huge grin. I guess that makes her the first and last chicken person I’ve ever met.

Lastly, and this is certainly newsworthy, enough of the snow has melted that I can finally start playing soccer with the kids – it’s SO much fun. There will be 5-10 of them chasing me around and I’ll just pop the ball over their heads or around them for a while and then pass it to one of the smaller kids who never get to kick it otherwise and watch them all run after the ball. Soccer was such a big part of my upbringing (we used to carry over the score at recess every day) so it’s actually really heartwarming for me to be able to pass that on to the kids.

WHAT THE F*CK GRIZZLIES?

Science shows that grizzly bears will be waking up soon, and when they do, they’ll be fucking hungry. I wish that for once, just one year, they could sleep in. so yeah, what the f*ck grizzlies? What’s your deal?

Why you gotta wake up and eat snowboarders?

THE FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN, BUT THE END IS ALWAYS NEAR

Yo I wrote this heading a while ago and I totally forgot where I was going with this, but it sounds like good advice to me. All roads lead to rome man. Oh, and while I’m at it.. who wants to hear my theory on 2012? It’s pretty good. And it fits the end being near bit.

So, it starts 3-4 billion years ago with the big bang/creation/whatever the fuck you believe in, I don’t care but there’s 3-4 billion years of geologic time on the planet to explain. Well, abiotic-genesis (e.g. the process of something non-living to become living) is REALLY slow. Basically, rocks won’t be taking over the world any time soon. In fact, it takes about 3-4 billion consecutive helpful gene-mutations in order for this to happen. (per my science teacher) The odds of a single helpful mutation are immensely low.. so for 3-4 billion of them to happen annually is basically impossible. The probability is approaching 0 as odds against approach infinity. In fact it’s FAR more (actually, it’s infinitely more) likely that some kind of alien being (or a god) either intentionally or inadvertently dropped some kind of bacteria into the atmosphere and that it developed slowly into our world. Well, I’m not much one for the religion theory.. aliens are just way cooler.

So aliens created us way back in the day and now, for whatever reason, they have decided to check up on us in the fateful year of 2012. I don’t claim to know their motives, but they’re definitely coming. I can prove it – they’ve actually already started the invasion.

In some lake somewhere in California last year, scientists found something puzzling. The found a bacteria able to create its DNA out of arsenic. This was completely unprecedented. Every known organism on the planet uses Phosphorous. They chalked it up to evolution. But we both know they’re full of shit. It’s clearly the beginning of an invasion. The aliens came and left some more bacteria in that lake. And if we let it fester for another 3-4 billion years then we’d probably find a nice roaring culture of arsenic-eating hoodlums trying to take our jobs from us. We need to annihilate the threat now and prepare for the 2012 invasion.

See: http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2010/12/nasa-finds-arsenic-life-form/

FACEBOOK IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO EXPERIMENT ON SOCIETY.

Like social experiments. I know right? Fucking great. Let me explain – In sociology class a couple days ago, the teacher went off on a ramble about American Ideologies. Basically, most Americans want to believe in equal opportunity – especially the middle/upper classes. They want to believe that good things happen to good people, that ragsàriches is possible, and that success is a function of hard work. They want to believe in a just world. According to my teacher, this mentality serves as a protection from having to face the reality of poverty/the role that luck plays in social class. Because then, they might be obliged to help.. god forbid. It makes perfect sense too – think about how much harder it is for somebody born in poverty to work their way into wealth. Especially if they have to drop out of school and get a job to keep their little sister from dying of starvation. It can happen, but it’s extremely hard. And the wealthy are oftentimes “born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.”

Anyway, I recoiled from this when I heard it – like jesus that’s crazy I would never be that guy who just doesn’t give a shit about people. And then I realized that I totally already am, and what’s more, that I never even notice the biases and benefits that I have from growing up in the middle class.

So I decided to do a little experiment and see how many of my friends agreed with said ideologies. I made a facebook status endorsing one them (sometimes you fail and you just gotta get back up and work that much harder so that you can succeed. don't ever let anybody tell you you can't do something. because you can. no matter what happens, you just have to decide that it's worth it to you. Monday at 4:36pm) and within a minute and a half, two people liked it.

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