VANISHING WEIGHT
I’ve actually been wondering about this phenomenon for quite a while – if anyone has ideas about it you should comment them in – but definitely don’t link a scientific article or anything because it’ll be stupid and I won’t read it. Plus they’ll probably prove that it’s wrong in a few years. The phenomenon in question is vanishing night weight. I’ve noticed that when I go to sleep I will weigh about 5-7 pounds more than I do when I wake up in the morning. Now, short of nightly sleep-shits, I have a difficult time figuring out where the hell this weight is actually going. I don’t get night sweats, I don’t ever use the bathroom in the middle of the night – in fact all that I really do is kinda lay there in a dreamy state waiting for the cock to crow. So, where does that 5-7 pounds go? I entertained the idea that I’m breathing out all that in water weight – but that’s really just not even possible. That would literally be a gallon of water in about 6-8 hours of breath. My current opinion is that the before-mentioned aliens that spawned in the arsenic ponds of California (if you haven’t heard about the arsenic bacteria you should check them out) are abducting me on a nightly basis to extract my blood and do tests on it. That would also explain why I’m so goddamn groggy in the morning. I definitely don’t masturbate enough to lose 5-7 pounds a night so that’s out of the question too. Comment in your ideas if they’re good. Otherwise don’t bother.
VANISHING FOOD
Along with my evaporated milk and 5-7 pounds, 6 pounds of bananas and 3 tomatoes are on the loose somewhere in Kalispell. I tried to buy my weekly bananas but the house poltergeist had other ideas. I’m pretty sure he squirreled them away in the attic somewhere. Just thought people should know. Don’t let your fruits and veggies sit out, they might vanish. I can deal as long as the attic-dwelling demon doesn’t develop a taste for homemade brown-sugar brownies (I bake them on a weekly basis).
MY SOLES
When I discovered that my bananas were missing, my first instinct was to assume that they’d been left in the car, hiding under one of the seats. So I went out to the car fully expecting to find two bags of smiling fruit. I scoured the car, but the bananas were nowhere to be found. However, my running shoes that I loaned to one of the other kids here about 2 weeks ago were scrunched beneath one of the seats. I pulled them out only to find that the soles had been taken out of them. So I came running inside bitching at about ½ my capacity about how somebody had stolen my fuckin sole. (Get it? I’m making a pun with soul) – yeah so anyway, another one of the kids who lives here comes up and he’s like “dude that same shit happened to me – I went to put on my shoes one day and they didn’t have soles in them” turns out the kid who borrowed my shoes has a sole fetish. Who knew?
WEIRD HOUSE ART
I actually have wanted to rant about this for a long time. There’s a bunch of student-made art from days long past chillin all over the house. So there’s this one of a face with a nose that literally looks like a horse-penis. I really want to meet the sculptor and ask them how in christ’s name he got his teacher to fire that work of art. I mean, plenty of people have tried to sneak bongs through the kiln, but I’ve never heard of a horse penis before. I’m honestly not even mad, I’m impressed – somehow he must have managed to convince his ceramics teacher that he was making a sculpture of Pinocchio the naughty boy. I bet his nose got a little longer when that art went into the kiln though.
MY FRIEND-MAKING FAILURES
I am many things – but until now I’ve never thought of myself shy or any more socially anxious than the next dude on the subway. I guess there’s a first for everything. Anyway, I’ve been struck by my complete ineptitude at meeting other people who go to FVCC (the community college where I take classes) – the closest thing that I’ve made to a friend is this guy named Rob that sits next to me in Sociology and hates the teacher as much as I do. Part of the problem is that it’s a community college and people don’t go there to find a social life, part of the problem is that most of the people there are old enough to be my parents, but I’m coming to realize that perhaps the biggest problem is that I’m not at all motivated to make friends. I started out eager to meet new people – in fact I struck up a conversation with a single mom on the bus on one of my first days there. It turned into me listening to her bitch about how much she “fucking hates Kalispell” in front of her 6-8 year old daughter. I have a feeling that kid’s gonna have some issues in a few years. But anyway, I looked around the room of my calculus class about a week ago and came to the stark realization that there was not a single kid in there with whom I could envision myself being friends. They’re all old or crazy or nerdier than me.
MISCELLANEOUS
Yeah, this section doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. It’s just a bunch of random crap that I’ve speculated on in the last few days. Speaking of “crap” I heard a 4 year old say that today.. it was weird. I definitely didn’t know what crap was when I was 4. In fact I’m not even sure I knew how to crap in a crapper or wipe my own ass when I was 4. Mom, you’re not allowed to comment on that by the way. Anywho, I can prove that global warming will cause an ice age. My logic is that we’re already way overdue for an ice age (they gernally happen every 10,000 years or so and it’s already been 12-15,000) plus, we’re actively melting ice caps as we speak. Now, ice ages, contrary to popular belief, are not caused by cold weather. They’re caused by abnormal amounts of precipitation during cold weather because clouds/snow reflect the heat of the sun which makes the world colder which makes it more likely to snow which makes it colder which makes it more likely to snow which makes it colder which makes it more likely to snow which makes it colder which makes it more likely that you’re going to stop reading this paragraph because I’m saying the same thing over and over. But you get the point – precipitation causes ice ages. And melting all of the ice in the world makes more water which makes more precipitation which makes more ice age. Therefore you should go buy stock in the north face.
On another note, I’m currently in possession of an ipod mini. Does anybody else even still remember what those look like?
8:36 and ½ pm is my favorite time of day. I swear to god that I didn’t just make that up either. It is literally my favorite time of the day. I bet you didn’t know that about me.
Lastly, and this is actually important – should I grow a beard? That’s not a rhetorical question. I go back and forth on this. In all honesty I’ll probably ignore what people tell me here and do whatever I feel like but please do comment your opinion!! I’ve never grown a groomed beard before and I kinda think that I could rock it – but another part of me feels like I look disgusting with facial hair. I dunno, what do you guys think?
EXISTENTIAL DRAMA
Okay, you got me. I’m being philosophical here. This paragraph is honestly not going to be that funny – but I love this shit. So, assuming that you’re wrong, is it better to believe in an afterlife or not? E.g. if would it be better for me to think that there is an afterlife when there’s not or think that there’s not when there is? I can actually see both sides of this. On the one hand, assume that there’s not an afterlife –all the people who spent their entire lives trying to get to heaven just look like complete idiots then don’t they? But assume that there is one, then all the people who didn’t believe in one could be totally fucked and spend an eternity in hell. Now that’d be a bit of a bummer. Here’s the two arguments:
- It’s better to believe in an afterlife, because expecting paradise will make me happy for my whole life and if there’s actually not one then I won’t be around to care.
- It’s better to not believe in an afterlife (but still live a good life) because then I am living for myself and not for some false image of sanctity. Plus, if I am wrong then I will be pleasantly surprised in paradise but if I’m right, then at least I saw it coming.
ROCK STORE ADVENTURES
There’s a store close to where I live that sells powerful rocks – rocks that bring you power. So my friend decided to go in there just to fuck with the lady that owns it last week, but he ended up believing in the power of the rocks. I guess she’s a really good saleswoman. She sold him a ring that would “help keep him grounded when dealing with demons” – she wouldn’t tell him how to summon a demon though, so he had to look it up on the internet. He decided not to do it because it was “too hard”. I don’t know what’s worse, that he was somehow persuaded into wasting the last of his money on a demon-ring or that the only thing that stopped him from actually trying to summon the demon was that it was too hard.
SMASHING BREADLOAVES
It’s like smashing pumpkins, but not as seasonal. There was an old stale bread-loaf posted in our kitchen. Nobody wanted to eat it so I decided to take it outside and smash it on the ground with one of my friends. I really can’t explain why it was so fucking funny, but it was. You’ll just have to take my word for it – I think it’s one of those “you had to be there” things. The best part was that two people were having a really intense conversation in a car right in front of where we smashed it.
MORE MONTESSORI MISADVENTURES
-I had a 10 minute conversation with one kid trying to explain to him why he couldn’t take a really sharp knife and cut the sun in half
-another kid got really freaked out when she realized I knew her name
-this week, I came to fully appreciate that logic absolutely, positively does not apply when you’re dealing with little kids. I actually did an experiment to testit. I was trying to teach this one kid how to play chess – he told me that I was doing it wrong. I tried telling him that I used to be a chess fiend when I was younger and that I definitely knew how to play, but he insisted that he knew better and that the pieces most certainly did not go where I was saying that they did. I eventually told him he was right and that I’d been messing with him and told him that a piece went right smack in the center of the board (because, aesthetically there should be a piece there) – he agreed with me wholeheartedly. *facepalm*
- the same kid that told me I couldn’t play chess wanted to race me on the playground one day. I warned him that I was faster than him but he wouldn’t listen. So I beat him in the race and then he got really pissed off and said that I lost. He told me that I couldn’t play unless I ran slower than he did. I told him that was fine and I could go play with somebody else if he didn’t want to play with me. He threw a temper tantrum and went to the corner of the playground to stare at the side of a building. I went up to him and asked him if he would come play with me and all of the other kids, he refused, and I left him to stare at the building. I don’t think he realized that he was only punishing himself. I could care less if some Montanan kid throwing a temper tantrum stared at a building for 5 minutes.
-the entire playground was struck with a crystal-finding frenzy today. It started with one girl saying that they needed to find crystals for somebody’s birthday – then, literally the entire playground split off and all the little munchkins went to search for “crystals”. Eventually somebody found an ice crystal and the playground temporarily lost its purpose. Then somebody else had the idea to play “hide and seek” with the crystal – so for the next 45 minutes 1 person would hide the crystal while everyone else pretended to close their eyes (4 year olds literally cannot keep their eyes closed for more than 10 seconds) – then a race to the crystal ensued and whoever got to it first got to hide it next time.
THE BEST PART OF THIS NOTE
Has anybody heard of teen werewolves? Maybe met one? It’s teenage angst taken to a whole new level. These kids actually believe that they are part wolf – so they dress up with tails and cat-eye contacts. One of them allegedly cut the head off a dog, but “it was dead okay, it was dead so you people just need to get over it”
One of them, a kid named Katze Lupus Burn said, "We're not a gang at all. Gangs are like posers. They just want attention.” Maybe I’m just crazy but I’m pretty sure that the only reason you would strap on a fucking tail before you go to school is to get attention. They are literally asking for people to make fun of them. But don’t let me influence you, why don’t you watch the news report yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q77sJT8O56E
and, here’s a werewolf response to it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2xVJ-B6mF0&feature=related
and here’s a clip on why women can’t drive buses.. just for shits and gigs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_0YMKcQ4kE
and lastly, here’s Mr. Chi City with some good advice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBRL7D0wcXM
QUOTES
Here’s a couple of things that people have said in the past week or two that made me smile.
“we’re just gonna do reverse cowgirl every time” (talking about his future wife)
“she’s gonna get bored and sex your Mexican pool boy”
“well then.. we can role-play”
“yeah, then she can just pretend you’re her Mexican pool boy”
“I don’t believe in eating free-range cattle – why should we kill the happy ones? It makes way more sense to put the ones that live in their own shit out of their misery”
“who made those cookies?”
“no” (he had heaphones in and didn’t hear the question correctly)
“no, who made the cookies?”
“no”
“no… who made the cookies? Not ‘did you make the cookies?’”
“NO” (he still had headphones in…)
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