Episode VI

HOW DOWN ARE YOU WITH FAIRY MUNCHING? ... vi

First of all, I guess I owe all of my readers an apology for last week. I didn’t post anything – I somehow thought that because I posted the one from two weeks ago on Monday that nobody would notice if I didn’t post anything.. plus I was on spring break and I was crazy busy trying to find enough hours in a day to hang out with everyone that I wanted to. (I failed in that endeavor by the way, and I apologize to any of you whom I didn’t catch. I promise I tried! But it’s hard to make up for years of absence in 3 days) Anyway, I was operating under the fantasy that nobody would notice.. but I’ve already had one of my friends message me like “wtf homie, where was the blog?” so clearly that didn’t work out so well.

It’s okay though, this week’s episode is pretty fucking great, and it has some amazing links. I’m slowly starting to remember how I used to use the internet for more than facebook and porn.

I CAN’T THINK OF A WITTY NAME FOR THIS SECTION THAT’S NOT HEINOUSLY BIGOTED, BUT IT’S ABOUT A GAY GUY

I was Thrifting [e.g. recreational impulse consumption at thrift stores (e.g. buying shit for fun on a whim because it’s cheap)] in Montrose. Montrose is unquestionably my favorite section of Houston. All the druggies, homosexuals, eccentrics, and artsy people frequent it. It’s home to some scrumptious hole-in-the-wall burger joints, beautiful graffiti, and some of the best people watching available in this country (think airport caliber).

So we’re walking around browsing and minding our own business when some crazy-looking 30+ year old comes up to me like,

“hey man, somethin’ told me that I should come over here and talk to you today”

-“um okay.. what’s the deal man?”

“I just gotta ask you, are you straight or are you gay?”

*an extremely flustered me* -“uhh.. I’m straight dude”

“oh okay, well you musta been curious, cause I saw you eyein’ me”

And then he walked away, while everyone within earshot started cracking up.

Like, woahhh dude, I was not “eyein’” him. I did give him a bit of a glare when I noticed him openly checking out three of my best friends though (which is weird, because they were girls). And I mean openly.. like low whistle under his breath, with head-nodding and elbow nudging. I think I should probably work on my glare a bit.

SNEAKING INTO SCHOOL?

I decided to pull the first legit April fool’s prank that I’ve played on anyone in years. It had its genesis in a conversation on March 31 with Andrew Best. And it’s rather brilliant if I do say so myself. I decided to sneak into my old school. The first part of the plan was to convince the track coach that I was actually a student and get him to let me join his PE class. But the second, subtler part was to be done by Andrew. He would spread word of my coming around the school, but do it in a way made people assume he was attempting to prank them. The kids would then call his bluff, but the joke would be on them when I actually showed up.

Everything went perfectly, until the coach decided to kick me out of class. He definitely believed that I was a current student.. but it didn’t matter, he was like “you’re not in my class – you can’t just come up here on a free period”

Regardless, the look on my friend’s face when he saw that I really did show up was priceless. And I did manage to crash several other classes that were taught by the teachers who actually knew me. One of them told me that my name had just come up in a conversation that he was having the day before. Speak of the devil I guess?

TOURIST MOBS IN SALT LAKE

I almost didn’t write this section.. god forbid that I’m perceived like this stupid UCLA bitch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Johj5WEYzZo

But it’s like my high school chemistry teach always taught me.. “almost” only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

I was sitting in the airport, minding my own business and downloading Black Swan, when approximately 20 Chinese tourists (some of them wearing traditional garb) decided to cluster around my table to ogle the mountains. Honestly.. what the hell? I was sitting on the side of a very long corridor between two terminals. The corridor was almost empty and lined all the way up with windows. Why did they have to encircle my table to ogle their mountains? I would totally understand if the entire corridor was full.. like somebody was going to get mobbed and I look friendly so why not? But that just wasn’t the case. They could have walked 10 more feet and had their very own table! What a novel idea. So naturally I assumed they were a potential threat to my livelihood. It was the perfect scheme – like “okay, we will distract this dumb American while you homies on the other side heist those cookies that his grandma made for him.” But, I didn’t know how to shift my bag closer to me without being rude. I mean, I knew inside that the odds of them actually trying to nab my shit were slim to none.. and you can’t just pull your stuff to your chest whenever some Chinese people get close to you. That’s just so wrong. I decided to opt for the “root around in your bag until you find something that you can pretend you were looking for/discretely move your bag closer to you” strategy. It worked.

THE no longer BAREFOOT FUCKING BANDIT *note: this section is not about colton harris-moore

It’s about some fucking asshole that goes to the gym. So, I decided to leave my socks out while I spent 14 minutes in the sauna.. because it was convenient and I didn’t think anyone would steal my sweaty socks. But, sometime during that 14 minutes, somebody came along and stole my sweaty socks. I have dubbed him the “no longer barefoot fucking bandit” because he was clearly a bandit.. and one can only assume that he was barefoot until he took my socks. For anyone who’s curious, I did look all over the locker room/in my locker/in all my pockets/in my shoes/in lost and found for them – but the socks are gone. Seriously, who the fuck does that?? I mean, it’s not a huge deal or anything, I have plenty of other socks.. but, honestly – everyone I know travels with a pair of socks on their feet at all times. I guess the no longer barefoot fucking bandit didn’t.

IRONY II

I’m just going to make “irony” the perma-name of sections that I can’t post to facebook, regardless of their irony or lack thereof. So yeah, you know the deal – comment or like the note if you want me to shoot you this section. For any wondering, it tells the tale of a tragic breakup.

GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY

Some 13 year old named Rebecca Black just put out a new song called Friday. It’s fucking awesome. Jklol it’s fucking awful. But, it’s really not as bad as people are saying it is. I’m fairly certain it’s the most “disliked” video on youtube right now. Last time I checked it had 80 million views and 1.5 million “dislikes.”

But don’t take my word for it! Go watch the video for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

While you’re at it, be sure you check the box that says “enable automatic comment updates” – then you can fully appreciate the 10-20 comments that are posted every second about how the song is a disgrace to humanity and the 1 dude who says “OMG I FUCKING LOVE REBECCA BLACK YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP HATIN.” [edit: the commenting has slowed down a lot since the beginning of the week when I wrote this, but it WAS 10-20 comments every second]

If you get bored with that, you can always prowl youtube for trolls. (a troll is someone who makes heinous youtube comments for funsies. like “Your face makes me want to punch babies.”)

SORRY KID.. I CAN’T BE YOUR FRIEND RIGHT NOW

Before I start, I actually felt really about this situation.. but it totally opened my eyes to the way society works. I went to a Panic! At the Disco concert last Saturday at Discovery Green. Before you judge, I gotta say that they actually put on a decent show.. plus it was a free concert, so I really can’t complain. I went with 3 of my best friends from way back in the day. Like kids that I grew up with that I rarely ever get to see anymore. We were all standing around reminiscing about the good times we used to have before we grew up and got super boring when crazy chick comes up to us all like “hey ya’ll, I just moved to Houston and I don’t really have any friends.. and I love your outfits so… yeah” girl, you couldn’t know this – but it would have been almost impossible for you to pick a worse time to try being my friend. I don’t even live here anymore and this is the only time I get to see my bffls from another life. The last thing I need is some crazy 25 year old tagging along. But none of us were able to formulate that concept into words and explain it to this girl so we all just sorta stood there looking from one person to another and back again until she was like “well.. this ain’t goin’ nowhere” and walked away.

The thing is, I’ve totally been there before.. like in a new town without any friends. It fucking sucks. Unfortunately, my emotional resonance didn’t change the fact that I only get to see my friends a couple times a year. It did, however, make me question the circumstances in which it is socially acceptable to go introduce yourself to someone. I think it’s totally situation-based. E.g. it was okay for comment on the conversation I overheard in the airport because her valet had brought her the wrong car and she hadn’t noticed until she was 100 miles down the road and that’s just hilarious, but it would not have been okay for me to walk up to some random person in the airport like “hey I don’t have any friends zomg will you help me?” And it definitely wasn’t acceptable for me to be like “wait what was that?” to that chick I was playing soccer with a few weeks ago.

Bottom line: if you’re going to introduce yourself to me out of nowhere you better a) be really attractive, b) be really fucking funny, c) be a likable, charismatic person OR, d) have an accent. Sadly, crazy concert chick didn’t fit any of these criteria. That’s probably why she has no friends.

…….YOU GOT ME

I’ve been travelling a lot in the past week or two.. interacting with TSA reps on an almost daily basis. I gotta say.. TSA has a lot of haters, but a lot of the guys that work there are actually pretty cool. Like this one guy who had to do “additional screening” on my bag. He took it and did his thing while I took off my belt and did my thing. Eventually he comes back with it like:

“hey man that’s a really well packed bag.”

--“oh, thanks!”

“yeah, your mom packed that for you didn’t she?”

-- *laughing*“….you got me man, she did.”

“yeah.. there was no way you packed a bag like that”

It’s true… whenever I visit Houston, my mom still packs my bags and makes me lunches. I dunno what the moral of this story is, but I thought it was funny.

MY NO BOOST.

This section is not about me. Weird right? I decided that some of the things that happen to my friends are worth writing about too. Especially this one – it’s great. Will (one of my friends) was also travelling last week. He had a 40 minute layover in Salt Lake and they delayed his flight to by 80 minutes. 40 – 80 is not a positive number. That means that he would be missing his flight in SLC. That would be a bummer! But, he didn’t give up and start crying like the lady who missed a speech that she’d been planning for two years because of the delays. He found a Delta representative and got a voucher for a taxi ride to a nearby airport that had a flight that was leaving right at the 40 minute mark. Then he sprinted out of the terminal and flagged down a taxi. Generally it takes 35 minutes to get to from one airport to the other.. but that wouldn’t really work out very well. 5 minutes to get checked in/through security/to your gate? No way jose. So he told the drive his deal and was like “check it, if you get me there in 20 minutes I’ll pay you $10 extra on top of this voucher.” He got there in 20 minutes.

Once there, he also manipulated the Delta agent into printing him a first class ticket like “hey, you should probably put me on first class so that I can go in the premium security line and actually make my flight.” He ended up making all of his flights on time and flying first class. G status right there.

Plus, now you know what to do next time you’re in NYC and your flight gets delayed. Don’t just sit there and cry – get your ass on another flight and make damn sure they give you a first class ticket. Actually, that’s a good life lesson – don’t just lay down and fucking die when life deals you a wrong. Get you shit together and then brag about how awesome you are for succeeding against all odds.

THE WEB

MUSIC

Freestylers - Cracks (flux pavilion remix) - amazing song... i think jizzed a little the first time i heard it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5ZeukLrD74

Pitbull - Hey Baby (drop it to the floor) - this is like the junk food of music. i fucking love it.. it's ear candy. but subject matter/message is pretty shallow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LefQdEMJP1I

Mimosa - Pandora - just do it. i initially liked it because of the name.. but it turns out to be an awesome song too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2aHgHox5Lo

rebelution - from the window - frat boy reggae ftw! [somebody convinced me that ftw meant fuck the whore for about 4 months once] this song <3 <3 (e.g. this song is pretty great and makes me <3)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RX4BYsH3eek

WEB

http://www.superbad.com/ - just go with it. it's this awesome artist dude who makes some ill web-designs and links them all over the place. some parts of the site are actually narrative - like they tell a story but you have to click the right links to find it all.

space painting - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dY1Lr-yGtd8 - the library is closing soon so i have to hurry but just give it a chance. it looks like it will suck but it gets crazy.

illusions - http://www.dougmoran.com/collections/optical-illusion-pink-dot-circle.html

this is a rareity - an illusion i'd never seen before. its a really cool one too. the dots disappear. legit.

before i die - http://candychang.com/before-i-die-in-nola/

what would you put on that list?