Happy Friday: April 2011

Friday, April 29, 2011

Episode IX (Stub)

...IX (Stub)

Believe it or not, that comes up in a search for Happy Friday.

i did not have time to write an entire blog this week - which is rather unfortunate because i did have a lot of interesting things happen to me. but here's a brief rundown of what i learned this week maybe if i put in a lot of pictures nobody will notice that it's shorter than normal.

-Schizophrenia is believed to be caused by a retrovirus present in the DNA of every single human being in the entire world. There are actually a lot of random things that have managed to find their way into our DNA and are passed down from one generation to the next. Plus there's nothing to be done about it so you might as well just get over yourself. You're not even fully human.. Odds are you have some Neanderthal strands in your DNA too from way back in the day when gramps got out and had a bit too much fun. But all of this is old news - doctors have known about it for over 10 years. Too bad nobody ever bothered telling me about it. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/1269155.stm)

-On a similar note, turns out DNA was actually discovered by some guy named Francis Crick while he was tripping on acid. I guess he noticed the awesome helical structures because they were so visually stimulating? Apparently Crick also "argued that life was seeded on Earth by a race of prehistoric aliens." Which, given the odds of abiotic genesis is not that unlikely. Abiotic genesis is the process of something nonliving becoming something living (e.g. rock --> turtle). According to my science teacher (Tim Price) this process takes about 3-4 billion consecutive helpful mutations. The odds of one such mutation are immensly small. The world is only 3-4 billion years old. The odds of one such mutation every year since the beginning of time approaches 0 very very quickly. Basically, we were put here - hard to say by whom or why.. if it was even intentional. But we came from somewhere.

-In other news, it's snowing outside again. i've come to decide that montana has 2 seasons - winter and not quite winter. apparently it's still winter.

can somebody please explain to me why the fuck this came up in an image search for construction worker?

-some guy called my house yesterday looking for Timothy Martin from 111 Shelterview Kalispell Montana. I told him there was no Tim that lived there, and that we were far from 111 Shelterview, but he didn't believe me. He was just like "ok Tim" and then hung up. So i looked up 111 Shelter View/Timothy Martin today. Turns out its a construction company. Which is hilarious because whoever that guy was that called is probably really pissed off at Timothy Martin right about now. Some people are just so fucking stupid

-i went to church on sunday.. you know easter sunday and all. it's the one day of the year that i can dress up and go be reverent. but then afterwards, they didn't have any coffee or donuts. They did have a cake that said "Happy Birthday Fr Bob!" But i didn't feel okay about stealing a priest's cake. So instead, i walked across the street to the Lutheran church and pretended that i had actually gone to church there. They had some fucking great cinnamon rolls. I'm going to hell.

-on saturday, we spent the afternoon frolfing in the park. (frisbee golfing for those who don't know) - Morgan managed to hit some random girl who was sitting there reading a book. Turns out her name was Morgan too. Turns out Morgan also go Morgan's number after hitting Morgan with a frolf disc. Wouldn't that just be too cute? They could send out M&Ms as wedding invites.

-twice in the past week, I've seen the same bum out walking around with super-official looking metal-detecting gear. I guess he's huntin' for gold or pirate treasure or something. Maybe the economy is worse than i thought if it's actually worth his time to walk around for hours on end doing that? or maybe it's a leisure activity that helps keep him away from the meth.

sorry that i couldn't write more than this guys - i've had a really weird week.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Episode VIII

Happy (Good) Friday…VIII

This was a pretty standard week. I spent a couple days really happy, a couple days really sad, a day thinking, a night talking about existential crises, and a few hours writing a blog. Also, if you like this you should hit the button that says "follow." Show it some love.

Walking to practice

This story actually has a moral. For once I’m not just writing an ambling caustic tirade. Don’t ever give up on yourself. In fact, operate under the perpetual assumption of success. Because oftentimes when you pretend that things are going to pan out favorably, you give off an aura that makes stuff fall into place. <-- basically, get money and fuck shit up.

Picture the scene: It’s Monday, 2:00 o’clock in the afternoon. I have soccer practice tonight, but I have no idea when or where it is. And, more than that – I have to go to work until 3, and Noah (the only person in the world who knows when/where practice is) is nowhere to be found. So, I grab my cleats, grab my bike and go to work.

3:00 o’clock – I run into Noah, he gives me all the info: practice is at 5:30 at a field about a 2 mile walk away.

Now all that remains is to convince Kyle (the staff) that it’s okay for me to walk 2 miles by myself on a busy street into a blizzard. I’m not worried though, I got this shit on lock.

-“yo Kyle, I gotta go to soccer practice”

“hmm, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

-“yeah man, I’ve been waiting for this since Christmas”

“well.. how are you going to get home?” (it was about a 3-4 mile walk home)

-“Phil (the other staff) is going to pick me up on the way to Costco later tonight”

“did you work that out with Phil?”

*this is where shit went down.. I totally did not talk to Phil about it, because I hadn’t seen Phil recently. But don’t worry, I’m good at dodging questions on my feet. Plus I’d anticipated this question before I even started the conversation”

-“He was already going to do it for Noah, so yeah, it should be fine”

“well, I just don’t want you to get stranded in this!” *gestures to the blizzard going on*

-“I’ll be fine, worst case I’ll just walk across the street to the college and chill there”

“hmm, are you sure you want to do this? Because that’s the most important thing really”

See what I did there? Yeah. I’m not sure I do either. Like what? ..how did I get you to go from “I don’t want you to get stranded” to “what you want is most important.” I dunno, but I definitely impressed myself. I convinced him it was totally legit for me to walk away into the snow pouring down out of the sky by telling him I would be picked up by a staff who didn’t yet know that he was picking me up. And I did it without lying at all. Like I said, I was feelin some good vibrations that day. I had it set in my head that I was getting on that field. I wouldn’t let nobody tell me otherwise neither.

Then I got there and practice was cancelled. I guess that the rest of the team just wasn’t as dedicated as me. But, it was 100% worth it. I would so much rather show up at a practice that gets cancelled than miss a practice that actually happens.

Meth III – feed the animals

I have decided that Todd, the guy that I thought was the neighborhood meth-head, is extremely lonely. One of my friends ran into him outside the supermarket a couple days ago. He had a bag of assorted nuts in his hand, and he was sitting there, trying to see how close he could get the squirrels to come. As my friend walked by, Todd stopped him,

“see these lil’ fellers?’

-“…yeah”

“They’re my friends, I been feedin’ them all day! Watch this!”

*and he proceeds to hand-feed the squirrel*

Feeding squirrels is a totally legitimate activity. Can’t say that I’ve ever done it, but it’s legitimate. Like feeding ducks in a pond. But all day? And by yourself? I thought that feeding ducks was a social activity. Like “hey brah, wanna come feed the ducks with me?”

Another thing, I don’t buy the story he told us about a doctor telling him to get more exercise. I mean have you seen him? (that’s rhetorical, I know you haven’t) he just doesn’t look like the doctor type. I think he just wanted an excuse to talk to us while we were raking. Fine by me man, I’ll be your friend if you rake my lawn.

Okay, that’s bad. I didn’t mean that. I really didn’t – I totally get being lonely, I honestly feel bad for him. Feeling left out is one of the worst feelings in the world. I do wish he’d be honest about it though.

Montessori Misadventures

This section is mostly more of the same. However, I did have an epic 30 minute light-saber battle with one of the kids this week. I don’t really know how he talked me into it. I was feeling sickly and it was snowing, but somehow I just couldn’t resist retaliating as he tried to slice me into little bits.

Also, I overheard the kids having a conversation – one of them was like,

“is John a teacher?”

And the other one answered, “no, silly, teacher’s are bossy! John’s not bossy, he’s cool.”

Which is good, I definitely wouldn’t want my kids to think I was a jerk. I’m convinced that the Montessori school is the largest congregation of awesome kids in one place in the entire city. Even if they are all 5 years old.

Elyana, I hope you read this. I doubt you ever will, but I hope that someday you stumble upon it. And I hope that, by that day, you’ve developed a sense of humor. honestly, I wish you only the best. Just keep your shirt on.

Did anybody see this picture and wonder what the fuck was going on with it? (I know some of you did)

If you didn’t and you don’t really want to know why it was my profile picture, then the short version is that it’s a long story. And I was fucking with somebody.

It’s a joke that’s been running for two years now. It starts on New Year’s night, 2009. I was with a couple of friends, eating popcorn, playing Call of Duty for hours on end, and definitely not sleeping. Roundabout 3 AM, we got bored of playing COD and decided to prank call some friends who were out getting shitfaced. I was the only one who didn’t actually know the people we were calling. It was perfect, they wouldn’t recognize my number or my voice.

So we called Elise, the girl on the left. She answered and I told her that her boyfriend, Christian (who’s a huge stoner) had been cheesed. In this context, cheesed means busted. I think it’s from a Seinfeld episode.

At first she didn’t believe me, but then she called back about a half hour later (presumably after failing to reach Christian) and she was freaking out.

Like, “who is this?? How do you know??”

I just kept telling her “dude, it doesn’t even matter who I am, Christian’s been fucking cheesed! What the fuck do we do now?”

The next morning, I called Christian and convinced him that I was his guardian angel come to save him from being cheesed. But that’s a totally different story. Elyana (the girl on the right) uploaded that picture to facebook. Then Elise freaked out again (she’s quite good at freaking out) – like,

“what the fuck, take this down!”

And Elyana was just like “why? I’m not uncomfortable with my body” <-- which is kinda awesome

Eventually Elise won and they took the picture down, but one of my friends had saved it on his computer, so I made it my profile picture as a joke. I still wasn’t friends with Elise or Elyana though – so they had no idea that the picture even still existed. Then, last week I was going through my old profile pictures and saw it. I decided to pull it out again, but this time, I sent a friend request to Elyana, just to fuck with her. It’s funny because she’s pretty close to a lot of my friends, so it’s not creepy. Apparently, she didn’t find it very amusing. She ignored my friend request. Basically, fuck bitches, get money.

Blanket Boy

There is a man who roams the streets of Kalispell Montana. He was dubbed Blanket Boy because, wherever he goes, he always wears his blanket. He’s kind of a big deal; everybody around here knows who he is. He’s a local celebrity of sorts.. basically the Montanan version of Leslie Cochran (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leslie_Cochran) <-- this guy is great, he helps keep Austin weird. I do wish he would wear pants though. Anyway, rumor has it that somebody once offered to buy blanket boy a sweatshirt, but he refused. I guess he’s not ready to part with his blankey just yet. The local paper did an article on him a while back, but I when I searched for it all it returned was this article about a guy who spent “more than a year trying to get his son back from the Bahamas.” Well, that headline caught my eye – so I gave up searching for blanket boy. Turns out this guy “returned to Kalispell alone, with the expectation that his wife and child would follow later. They never did, and his wife eventually cut off communication.” Really, this just reinforces my previous contention: fuck bitches, get money.

http://www.flatheadbeacon.com/articles/article/kalispell_man_reunited_with_son_after_15_months/20493/

The Morgan Files

This week, Morgan began the long process of re-growing his beard. He also said something in his sleep that I remember being quite odd/amusing. Unfortunately, I was in that state of consciousness when he said it where you KNOW that you will remember it in the morning even if you don’t write it down.. and then you forget it in the morning. So I haven’t a clue what it was.

But, he did get me into some great music recently. It’s a band called A Silver Mt. Zion. However, I need to put a little disclaimer here – it’s not easy listening at all. It’s totally different than that ear-candy I posted two weeks ago. You have to actually give it a chance.. probably a second and third chance too. But I promise, if you are a somewhat dark, cynical, discerning person with an open mind toward music, it will eventually start to consume you. The lyrics and vocals are hauntingly brilliant. Here are a couple links to the songs that I found to be the easiest to listen to:

Horses in the Sky – this was their first song that I actually genuinely liked/became obsessed with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5f1ntFu9vo

God bless our dead marines – the part where he starts talking about friends he’s lost gets me every time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBXANsCdT7c

Irony IV

Sometimes people amaze me. Sometimes, they amaze me in a good way, like those people from Mississippi that Phil was talking about (www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7JBpYRwHyM) <-- people from Mississippi. But sometimes, they amaze me in a bad way. Honestly, I probably should not post this story. It could get blown out of proportion, made into a giant therapeutic issue/brought up in group. At the moment, however, I don’t really care; I’ll just do my best to recount the events as close to reality/bias free as I can.

Several weeks ago, I found a bike in our basement that was broken and looked as though it had been there for an eternity. I went around asking everyone if they knew who’s it was for about a week before determining that it was legit to fix/use. So, I fixed it with the help of some friends (the front wheel was on backwards and totally off kilter, and the handlebars were extremely loose) and started riding around the city on it. This morning, one of the girls saw it and was like

“hey! That’s my bike!”

-“oh.. is it cool if I use it?”

“yeah, I mean it’s broken” (insinuation being “I don’t want it anymore anyway.. I’m just amazed that you would want to ride such a shitty bike)

-“it was, I actually fixed it”

Then later, she confronts me with one of her friends,

“hey that is NOT cool, you didn’t lock my bike.”

-“I thought you didn’t want it anymore?”

“you said yourself that you fixed it. If it gets stolen you’re buying me a new one”

-“Ummm.. no I’m not. If you don’t want me to ride it anymore then I won’t. But I went around asking everyone if it was theirs before deciding it was nobody’s and fixing it”

“clearly you didn’t ask me. You’re buying me a new one”

______________________________________________________________

I have several issues with this whole sequence of events:

I. why is your friend with you? Are you that scared of me? I mean honestly.. that’s kind of offensive – it’s not like I’m going to fucking assault you. I’m just going to bitch about it on the internet later.

II. So you don’t want your bike when it’s broken, but once I fix it you reclaim it? Maybe this is reasonable.. but it doesn’t seem like it. If you give a ripped shirt to your friend and they sew it back up I don’t think you just get to take the shirt back normally. I am willing to acknowledge that she didn’t explicitly *give* me the bike, but she did leave it in the basement of a house she wasn’t living at for approximately 10 months. And she definitely didn’t sound like she wanted it when she thought it was broken

III. Why so confrontational? I honestly was willing to give her the bike back (which is why I offered to not ride it any more) but sheesh. That hurt my feelings. I don’t think I was doing anything wrong in my ignorance – and if locking the bike is the issue, I can always lock it with my friend’s (which is what I went and did after this whole debacle). But girl, take a deep breath, you sound like you’re about to have a hernia. I mean, I get it, a lot of people are mean to you/don’t like you and you’re bitter about it. That doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me.

If it does somehow get stolen, (despite being locked with my friend’s lock) I think that I will buy her a broken bike. Like here ya go, I’m not fixing it for you this time. All of this just because she hurt my feelings. . maybe I should just get over it. Add it to my list of reasons to hate humanity.

I swear it’s the same

I had an interesting thought this week. I like whole milk way more than I like 2% milk.. but it has twice as much fat in it. Which means it’s twice as likely to make me hate myself when I drink it. So, I decided to start buying a half gallon of whole milk instead of a whole gallon of half milk. It’s the same amount of fat but I enjoy drinking it way more.

Ears and Stuff

This is distinctly in the “news that doesn’t matter but I’m still including” category: I pierced my ear last week. Now I have a subtle little stud in it. Thus far everyone has liked it. Thank you for your time.

Here’s the only picture I have of it so far (sorry about quality, I don’t have a camera so I had to use my computer’s built in one):

The Web

Links From Blog available up and over ---> that way

Funsies/Pranks:

http://www.qualitysilkplants.com/ct332.html <-- i really, really want one of these. They’re hilarious, you throw them at people and shout “CACTUS!” while it’s in the air. Then you laugh.

http://www.switched.com/2009/10/13/usb-computer-prankster-will-make-everyone-in-the-office-hate-you/<-- this is also in the category of things I really want. Some people make the coolest toys!

http://dogandponyshowwebsite.com/learn-how-to-hack-those-electronic-road-signs-its-really-easy <-- i’m not sure if this is true or not. But if it is, it’s definitely on my to-do list. Oh, but don’t actually do it. Pretty sure you could go to jail. And if you do it, take pictures and send them to me. But be sure you’re wearing a mask so that nobody can tell who you are. Plus, read the comments on this page. Fucking great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuyM0UnBPMY <-- I confess, I stole this from the defranco show. But it’s still fucking great. Some hotel decided it would be funny to dress a random guy up like Justin Bieber and have him wave to a bunch of teenage girls from the roof. *facepalm*

http://www.looplabs.com/ <-- not a prank, but this is a great time-waster. Unless you’re good, then I guess you could make bank? I dunno, I thought it was fun. Especially since you don’t have to download anything and it’s free.

Music:

So I found out this week that Pitbull straight up steals beats on a regular basis. At first I was quite peeved with him. But then I realized that it meant that he’s just helping me find some of the most awesome songs I’ve ever heard in my life. Plus, I do enjoy Pitbull’s music. I’m devoting most of this section to sharing the real songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSzpOUwiLkc <-- this is the song behind Pitbull’s Hotel Room Service. It skyrocketed to the top of my most loved music this week, no contest the best song I’ve heard this week. Or last week. Or the week before.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3S4dBk4E1g <-- this is from “Bon Bon.” I love this song, but honestly, I might like Pitbull’s just as much? I’m not entirely sure if I really like Bon Bon or if I just like the music video for it.. They’re both good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL1hlzLsUaU <-- and of course, Calabria. If you haven’t heard this song, you really need to. It was a huge club hit when I was in Bolivia.. it definitely has some fond memories attached to it. Unfortunately, Natasja (the singer) died in a car accident in 2007 :( no more calabrias from her I guess. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natasja_Saad) <-- her Wikipedia page

Pitbull’s songs:

Hotel Room Service (push the feeling on) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2up_Eq6r6Ko

Bon Bon (we no speak Americano) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9O72RLP5fF4

The Anthem (Calabria)- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5nFbWLfRMc

And lastly, some chill songs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzdR3zOGVO8&feature=feedlik <-- this is the kind of song that you can forget you’re listening to but then once it stops you’re like wtf, my life just got a little worse.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxvpctgU_s8&feature=feedlik<--I don’t quite understand the name of the song.. I don’t think anyone could ever fall out of love with Sharon den Adel. Especially when she sounds like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2RCCDSBEGk <-- this guy’s a hoot. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about his music but it’s catchy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dON2VJh2h68 <-- 420 ooooh yay. drugs! lets smoke like a genie and get super blazed! ahhhh, I almost made it through this without making a 420 reference. But not quite. I had to pay tribute somehow. "we have weed in our cakes and oreos." Pretty great song. If you don't know what 420 is then look it up. (here's a start, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=420) april 20th is 4/20. get it? start connecting the dots. i know you can do it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Episode VII

Blanket Boy's Pierced Ears.. vii

Please… can we figure this out before I look like even more of an idiot?

I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time – it’s been happening for a while and I just kept forgetting to include it. So, at the Montessori school I’m assigned to garbage duty every Thursday. Basically, I wheel out the garbage cans to the street for the school and for all our neighbors. It’s supposed to be a total of 10 cans that I wheel out (I always end up with either 9 or 11.. wondering where the fuck I went wrong). But anyway, one of the teachers there was like

“oh wow.. trash duty. They must not like you. I had that a while ago, it’s awful”\

-“honestly, I don’t really mind it that much, especially on a nice day, it’s a nice little break from the classroom”

“yeah, I guess. I just feel really awkward going up into their yards to get their trash cans.. Jean (that’s my boss) acts like we’re doing them this big favor, but really nobody has ever asked them if they even want us to take their garbage down to the street. And if it were me, I’m not sure I would want some strange guy coming into my yard and taking my garbage can.”

-“woah… yeah, I didn’t know that”

Seriously? Just have Texas John go and do the dirty work? It’s Montana, I could get fucking shot by some crazy meth-head. But the story gets way better. When I had that ^^ conversation, I didn’t really believe the teacher. I was like “oh well… why would they care?” but then, the next Thursday, I went to get one of the trash cans and found it locked to the porch with a bike-lock. Like “NO. DO NOT TAKE OUR TRASH.” Plus the lady who lives there glared at me as I came walking up. I guess it’s all in a day’s work.

Irony III

This one’s about yon Joe and more of his adventures.

Montessori Misadventures

It’s been a while since I’ve done this section.. because I tend to do more or less the same thing every day. And as fascinating as it is to me, I know that you don’t want to hear over and over about how great that game of glue tag was. (if you do you, can always just re-read old episodes). But a few crazy/cute things happened this week

I. – The kids invented a new game. It’s called the “let’s steal John’s hat and hide under the pavilion with it” game. It’s actually really fun, I get to chase the kids all around the playground for a half hour or so. They all conspire against me to keep me from getting my hat back until it’s actually time for me to go. They’re pretty good about giving it back then.

II. – unfortunately, they’re not always good about letting me go. Even when I’m already late because I lost track of time. (yes I know, that’s a fragment.) Lately, they’ve taken to all grabbing a-hold of me and refusing to let go. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole. I pry 3 of them off and then 4 more grab on to me. It’s okay though, it just means that I have to start trying to leave about 5 minutes before I actually have to leave. I’m training to be a parent. (did your parents ever do that? Like okay kids time to go! 1 hour later…. Okay kids, REALLY, time to go. And then it’s another ½ hour before you actually leave).

III. – Most of the kids who come to the Montessori school have very young, very attractive moms. It’s actually kinda crazy –I’ve never seen that many milfs in one place before. Plus a lot of them volunteer there – and they’re all super nice too. Anyway, one of the kids named Mason comes up to me on Monday and he’s like

“hey John, my mom says you’re sexy!”

“uhhh what?”

“my mom, she keeps telling me how you’re sexy”

2 questions kid:

1 – where did you learn that word? You’re 5.

2 – is your mom single?

Yeah, just thought I’d include that because it was super validating. It made me feel good about myself until I realized that it didn’t change the fact that Michelle Rodriguez has no clue who I am.

Munch. Munch Munch.

That’s the sound a fairy muncher makes. I think I can actually take credit for that term? Pretty sure I developed it. I definitely popularized it. My original definition of a fairy muncher is anyone who deletes a facebook comment. It tends to have a negative connotation E.g. “that stupid fairy muncher.”

I started using it because I needed a way to describe the frustration I felt when I would go looking for a comment and find that it no longer existed. Fairy muncher just seemed to fit. Hitting that little “x” is like munchin on a fairy

Then it morphed and became a generic term for someone who has taken to munching fairies/being obnoxious/stupid on a regular basis.

Just another reason not to make friends anytime you’re in Montana

Although, to be fair – I think this is more a “don’t make friends on the bus” issue. I was riding the bus, talking to Noah about something sarcastic (I don’t remember quite what) when crazy lady in front of me starts to turn around and grin. I’d seen this behavior before from bus-goers. Generally it’s an indicator that they’re trying to decide how heinous to make their interruption. I went for the glare method (e.g. glare at them as they start to grin and hope they take a hint).. forgetting that my glare needs improvement.

Crazy chick was undaunted – she sounds slightly hungover as she pipes up,

“so, I’m trying to get my degree online”

*at this point, noah goes for the “duck and cover” method. He hid behind the seat. it worked for him, but I was already stuck in the conversation*

Not wanting to be rude, I replied very courteously, but with subtle intonations indicating my disgust, “oh yeah? What’re you majoring in?”

“oh you know, I’m trying to get a degree in business, but I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes online. I’m not so good with technology najklnbsdainqionvajauigiasunvjsdbnas baisufasbv asdjvnajslvnsaibgoiu asjkbvjknajklsdfasjdbnaksv sdqowiasjnvalksjdf. I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes! Sajlknvajksnhvauhqwiounba vbv asdhfvsajdbn vx n asdhbjsabkjcbahbdaf jalkjdsb sadv I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes!”

*she kept repeating that point.. thought she was awful clever she did.*

-“yeah sounds crazy”

“yeah you know, I just want to be able to help people, like maybe design a super-race or something”

-“oh yeah?”

“yeah, because you know, I have 100% immunity – like I’m immune to everything and I just want to be able to use that to help other people, you know – do something good for mankind.”

*struggling not to laugh* “oh wow, yeah that sounds really helpful”

“yeah you know, I really just want to help people so that maybe someday they can all be like me”

I shit you not. That is as close to verbatim as I can remember. I had to bite my tongue. I almost said “too bad you’re not immune to obesity.” Anyway, she went on to tell me how “my son goes to the same school as you and is in the honor society and drives a red Volkswagen. Oh and by the way his name is Xanthium. Just don’t tell him I told you or he’ll get upset that his square mom was talking about him” <-- her word choice is ironic because she was literally square, but not slang-square.

Prom.

Prom. So before anything, I want to say that it was amazing. I saw 10-20 of my best friends in the entire world for the first time in months. And I finally got to experience that amazing sensation that you can only get when you’re surrounded by a crowd of people, letting your body flow to their rhythm with music playing loud enough for the vibrations to dislocate your ribs. With 20 of my best friends in the world no less. But I have 2 complaints:

1 – why do I have to grow up? It made me realize that seeing those people – the friends whom I love will never again be mundane. It will always be a big deal. (which is nice in a way.. I guess) but even coming home.. seeing my parents/my dog/my house is an ordeal. Sobering thought right? Really I think I just suffered from the lack of an afterparty. It gave me a weird feeling somewhere between homesickness and wanderlust.

2 – why would you ever, EVER get a dj from Kalispell named DJ Q? more like DJ WillYouPleaseSTFU? I’m pretty sure that he literally did not know what dubstep was. Almost everyone at the dance asked him to play more dubstep and all he said was “I’ve been playin’ it all night man.” Um… no? no you really haven’t. sorry man, but contrary to public belief metallica and Ke$ha do not magically combine to make dubstep.

Meth – round II. I lost this one.

We had another interaction with Todd (that’s the name of the crazy meth-head I invited over to dinner a couple weeks ago). He came outside and started helping us rake our yard. We got to talking.. turns out he does stuff like that because his doctor told him that he doesn’t get enough exercise. He figured he might as well help people out while he exercises. No, he’s not a meth-head, and yes I am a fucking asshole. Sorry man, I really am – I mean you’re still crazy and only have one tooth, but as far as I can tell you’re nothing more than a sweet, lonely man who’s just as scared of a premature death as the rest of us are.

My no boost. <-- for any wondering, that’s the first sentence I ever said. Apparently, I didn’t want my mom to boost me up into the car.

Olivia, one of the few friends I’ve managed to make at the school had some crazy shit happen to her a couple weeks ago. (it actually provides even more evidence for the scarcity of sanity in Kalispell). She was minding her own business, wiping down a table at work when some lady comes up to her and asks her if she could please “marry me over the phone to my husband who’s in prison right now”

Seriously.. who does that? I mean clearly somebody in Kalispell does. Anyway, Olivia said that she would (really there’s not much else that you can say.. like NO I WILL NOT PRESIDE OVER YOUR WEDDING). So she got her boss/2 other people to be the witnesses and helped them with their vows. Then they got the groom on the line and did the thing right there. Good thing she hadn’t already used her phone a friend lifeline. Okay sorry, that was lame.

That sounds like some Alice In Wonderland shit to me:

And then a sofa came from within the trees, flolloping (for that is the most precise way to describe a sofa’s movement) up to Alice.

“please,” the sofa begged, “could you preside over my wedding?”

-“whoever could want to marry you?” Alice asked, before clasping a hand across her mouth – as though attempting to prevent the distastefulness of her comment from leaking out into the world.

But the sofa was unfazed, “why the TV of course!” it replied. “we’ve been engaged for 3 years! Have you not heard? No matter, no matter, We would have long since been married.. probably divorced too. If only I could have found a minister sooner. But now I’ve found you!”

-“but.. I’m not a minister.”

“nonsense, pure poppycock. I do wish you were an honest minister. No matter, no matter. It shall have to do, I simply must be married!”

-“excuse me! I shan’t do anything for you until you lose that tone.”

“right you are. I do apologize, I simply have cold legs!”

Alice looked down and did indeed notice that the sofa’s legs were completely engulfed in snow. “Oh my! We must get you someplace warm. Where is the TV?”

“he’s been chained to Humpty’s wall since the day that I met him 3 years ago, but don’t worry, he has promised me that he will tear himself free and elope with me as soon as we could find a minister to marry us”

Alice looked up then, and noticed that there was a rather large brick wall with a TV resting on top. And there, sitting in the utmost repose, occaisionally flipping from one channel to another sat Mr. Dumpty.

“Quickly! Quickly!” the sofa urged alice, “do you take my beloved TV to be my lawful wedded husband until the day you die?”

-“I suppose I do” replied Alice

“well do you or don’t you, for if you don’t I must be off to find a new minister!”

-“oh goodness, I do.”

And with that the TV leapt down from atop the wall and shattered on the ground. The sofa flolloped away with a curiously satisfied look in its cushions, while Mr. Dumpty flew into a blind rage.

“Goddamit you fucking bastard child” he shrieked, “I hope your ancestors all die in childbirth. You filthy wh….” But his rage was interrupted – for in his blindness, Humpty had accidently stumbled off the side of the wall. He splattered on the ground, splashing yolk on Alice in a most repulsive manner.

______________________________________________________________

Wow, did I really just write that? I honestly didn’t intend to write a short story. It sorta just happened. It’s actually quite layered. Subtlety, I believe it’s called. Hope you found that enjoyable.

The Morgan Files

For those who don’t know, I have a roommate. For those who don’t know, his name is Morgan. For those who don’t know, he’s the fuckin’ man and I love him a lot. Plus, he’s quite a character. He was the co-inspiration for the coloring book, and for most of the other awesome things that I do. This week, we collective decided that it would be a good idea for me to include a section in this blog called “the morgan files.” Its sole purpose is to follow the weekly undertakings of one, Morgan Kulkin.

So… this past week, Morgan shaved his beard into a mustache, was complimented on his mustache by some random guys driving down the street, was hit on by some Mexican dude on facebook, and shaved his mustache. Also this week, Morgan decided to shout out “watercolors…. Oh wow!” in his sleep. Neither of us can quite figure out why.

The Web (-----> look over there for quick access to this section now)

News about news and the like
I’m quite a fan of news about news, especially when the news within news contains jokes within jokes. Like the story about how a Fox News reporter played an april fool’s joke on his fellow reporter. It’s funny, I was under the impression that the entire show was a joke..? Basically he gets her to lick an ipad and it’s hilarious. Definitely worth checking out: http://www.tipb.com/2011/04/06/wednesday-fun-video-news-anchor-cohost-lick-ipad-april-fools-joke/

Also, if you have not seen the Scarlet takes a tumble video yet.. it’s a must see. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIwTYL1fwJk

That lady has millions of people laughing at her. In fact, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1FBqwjzbSA

She has people laughing at people laughing at her. That’s pretty impressive Scarlet.

For funsies
http://features.cgsociety.org/newgallerycrits/g85/362285/362285_1232630961_large.jpg
so yeah… I saw that and was like wtf. That’s not cool at all. But check it, that’s 100% cgi. I thought it was real.

http://stories-etc.com/awards.htm
sometimes the stereotype is actually true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icjasmCEoqM
Logorama – this video is brilliant, if you have 16 minutes of your life to spare. If not, then it’s your loss. It’s not funny or particularly crazy. But it’s impressive.

Music
Kesha – blow remix. Kasha is one of my guilty pleasures. I think this is one of the best remixes I’ve ever heard. Ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul2-c2pxQqo

Zion y Lennox – Ahora. First heard this song on an old version of FIFA (the soccer game). It’s not bad for some latin shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlyMT82-Afc

Zion I – Coastin’ – literally the best song to listen to when you’re standing on top of a mountain looking at the line you’re about to cut down 3 feet of powder
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrvvDnFGfjY

Episode VI

HOW DOWN ARE YOU WITH FAIRY MUNCHING? ... vi

First of all, I guess I owe all of my readers an apology for last week. I didn’t post anything – I somehow thought that because I posted the one from two weeks ago on Monday that nobody would notice if I didn’t post anything.. plus I was on spring break and I was crazy busy trying to find enough hours in a day to hang out with everyone that I wanted to. (I failed in that endeavor by the way, and I apologize to any of you whom I didn’t catch. I promise I tried! But it’s hard to make up for years of absence in 3 days) Anyway, I was operating under the fantasy that nobody would notice.. but I’ve already had one of my friends message me like “wtf homie, where was the blog?” so clearly that didn’t work out so well.

It’s okay though, this week’s episode is pretty fucking great, and it has some amazing links. I’m slowly starting to remember how I used to use the internet for more than facebook and porn.

I CAN’T THINK OF A WITTY NAME FOR THIS SECTION THAT’S NOT HEINOUSLY BIGOTED, BUT IT’S ABOUT A GAY GUY

I was Thrifting [e.g. recreational impulse consumption at thrift stores (e.g. buying shit for fun on a whim because it’s cheap)] in Montrose. Montrose is unquestionably my favorite section of Houston. All the druggies, homosexuals, eccentrics, and artsy people frequent it. It’s home to some scrumptious hole-in-the-wall burger joints, beautiful graffiti, and some of the best people watching available in this country (think airport caliber).

So we’re walking around browsing and minding our own business when some crazy-looking 30+ year old comes up to me like,

“hey man, somethin’ told me that I should come over here and talk to you today”

-“um okay.. what’s the deal man?”

“I just gotta ask you, are you straight or are you gay?”

*an extremely flustered me* -“uhh.. I’m straight dude”

“oh okay, well you musta been curious, cause I saw you eyein’ me”

And then he walked away, while everyone within earshot started cracking up.

Like, woahhh dude, I was not “eyein’” him. I did give him a bit of a glare when I noticed him openly checking out three of my best friends though (which is weird, because they were girls). And I mean openly.. like low whistle under his breath, with head-nodding and elbow nudging. I think I should probably work on my glare a bit.

SNEAKING INTO SCHOOL?

I decided to pull the first legit April fool’s prank that I’ve played on anyone in years. It had its genesis in a conversation on March 31 with Andrew Best. And it’s rather brilliant if I do say so myself. I decided to sneak into my old school. The first part of the plan was to convince the track coach that I was actually a student and get him to let me join his PE class. But the second, subtler part was to be done by Andrew. He would spread word of my coming around the school, but do it in a way made people assume he was attempting to prank them. The kids would then call his bluff, but the joke would be on them when I actually showed up.

Everything went perfectly, until the coach decided to kick me out of class. He definitely believed that I was a current student.. but it didn’t matter, he was like “you’re not in my class – you can’t just come up here on a free period”

Regardless, the look on my friend’s face when he saw that I really did show up was priceless. And I did manage to crash several other classes that were taught by the teachers who actually knew me. One of them told me that my name had just come up in a conversation that he was having the day before. Speak of the devil I guess?

TOURIST MOBS IN SALT LAKE

I almost didn’t write this section.. god forbid that I’m perceived like this stupid UCLA bitch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Johj5WEYzZo

But it’s like my high school chemistry teach always taught me.. “almost” only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

I was sitting in the airport, minding my own business and downloading Black Swan, when approximately 20 Chinese tourists (some of them wearing traditional garb) decided to cluster around my table to ogle the mountains. Honestly.. what the hell? I was sitting on the side of a very long corridor between two terminals. The corridor was almost empty and lined all the way up with windows. Why did they have to encircle my table to ogle their mountains? I would totally understand if the entire corridor was full.. like somebody was going to get mobbed and I look friendly so why not? But that just wasn’t the case. They could have walked 10 more feet and had their very own table! What a novel idea. So naturally I assumed they were a potential threat to my livelihood. It was the perfect scheme – like “okay, we will distract this dumb American while you homies on the other side heist those cookies that his grandma made for him.” But, I didn’t know how to shift my bag closer to me without being rude. I mean, I knew inside that the odds of them actually trying to nab my shit were slim to none.. and you can’t just pull your stuff to your chest whenever some Chinese people get close to you. That’s just so wrong. I decided to opt for the “root around in your bag until you find something that you can pretend you were looking for/discretely move your bag closer to you” strategy. It worked.

THE no longer BAREFOOT FUCKING BANDIT *note: this section is not about colton harris-moore

It’s about some fucking asshole that goes to the gym. So, I decided to leave my socks out while I spent 14 minutes in the sauna.. because it was convenient and I didn’t think anyone would steal my sweaty socks. But, sometime during that 14 minutes, somebody came along and stole my sweaty socks. I have dubbed him the “no longer barefoot fucking bandit” because he was clearly a bandit.. and one can only assume that he was barefoot until he took my socks. For anyone who’s curious, I did look all over the locker room/in my locker/in all my pockets/in my shoes/in lost and found for them – but the socks are gone. Seriously, who the fuck does that?? I mean, it’s not a huge deal or anything, I have plenty of other socks.. but, honestly – everyone I know travels with a pair of socks on their feet at all times. I guess the no longer barefoot fucking bandit didn’t.

IRONY II

I’m just going to make “irony” the perma-name of sections that I can’t post to facebook, regardless of their irony or lack thereof. So yeah, you know the deal – comment or like the note if you want me to shoot you this section. For any wondering, it tells the tale of a tragic breakup.

GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY

Some 13 year old named Rebecca Black just put out a new song called Friday. It’s fucking awesome. Jklol it’s fucking awful. But, it’s really not as bad as people are saying it is. I’m fairly certain it’s the most “disliked” video on youtube right now. Last time I checked it had 80 million views and 1.5 million “dislikes.”

But don’t take my word for it! Go watch the video for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

While you’re at it, be sure you check the box that says “enable automatic comment updates” – then you can fully appreciate the 10-20 comments that are posted every second about how the song is a disgrace to humanity and the 1 dude who says “OMG I FUCKING LOVE REBECCA BLACK YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP HATIN.” [edit: the commenting has slowed down a lot since the beginning of the week when I wrote this, but it WAS 10-20 comments every second]

If you get bored with that, you can always prowl youtube for trolls. (a troll is someone who makes heinous youtube comments for funsies. like “Your face makes me want to punch babies.”)

SORRY KID.. I CAN’T BE YOUR FRIEND RIGHT NOW

Before I start, I actually felt really about this situation.. but it totally opened my eyes to the way society works. I went to a Panic! At the Disco concert last Saturday at Discovery Green. Before you judge, I gotta say that they actually put on a decent show.. plus it was a free concert, so I really can’t complain. I went with 3 of my best friends from way back in the day. Like kids that I grew up with that I rarely ever get to see anymore. We were all standing around reminiscing about the good times we used to have before we grew up and got super boring when crazy chick comes up to us all like “hey ya’ll, I just moved to Houston and I don’t really have any friends.. and I love your outfits so… yeah” girl, you couldn’t know this – but it would have been almost impossible for you to pick a worse time to try being my friend. I don’t even live here anymore and this is the only time I get to see my bffls from another life. The last thing I need is some crazy 25 year old tagging along. But none of us were able to formulate that concept into words and explain it to this girl so we all just sorta stood there looking from one person to another and back again until she was like “well.. this ain’t goin’ nowhere” and walked away.

The thing is, I’ve totally been there before.. like in a new town without any friends. It fucking sucks. Unfortunately, my emotional resonance didn’t change the fact that I only get to see my friends a couple times a year. It did, however, make me question the circumstances in which it is socially acceptable to go introduce yourself to someone. I think it’s totally situation-based. E.g. it was okay for comment on the conversation I overheard in the airport because her valet had brought her the wrong car and she hadn’t noticed until she was 100 miles down the road and that’s just hilarious, but it would not have been okay for me to walk up to some random person in the airport like “hey I don’t have any friends zomg will you help me?” And it definitely wasn’t acceptable for me to be like “wait what was that?” to that chick I was playing soccer with a few weeks ago.

Bottom line: if you’re going to introduce yourself to me out of nowhere you better a) be really attractive, b) be really fucking funny, c) be a likable, charismatic person OR, d) have an accent. Sadly, crazy concert chick didn’t fit any of these criteria. That’s probably why she has no friends.

…….YOU GOT ME

I’ve been travelling a lot in the past week or two.. interacting with TSA reps on an almost daily basis. I gotta say.. TSA has a lot of haters, but a lot of the guys that work there are actually pretty cool. Like this one guy who had to do “additional screening” on my bag. He took it and did his thing while I took off my belt and did my thing. Eventually he comes back with it like:

“hey man that’s a really well packed bag.”

--“oh, thanks!”

“yeah, your mom packed that for you didn’t she?”

-- *laughing*“….you got me man, she did.”

“yeah.. there was no way you packed a bag like that”

It’s true… whenever I visit Houston, my mom still packs my bags and makes me lunches. I dunno what the moral of this story is, but I thought it was funny.

MY NO BOOST.

This section is not about me. Weird right? I decided that some of the things that happen to my friends are worth writing about too. Especially this one – it’s great. Will (one of my friends) was also travelling last week. He had a 40 minute layover in Salt Lake and they delayed his flight to by 80 minutes. 40 – 80 is not a positive number. That means that he would be missing his flight in SLC. That would be a bummer! But, he didn’t give up and start crying like the lady who missed a speech that she’d been planning for two years because of the delays. He found a Delta representative and got a voucher for a taxi ride to a nearby airport that had a flight that was leaving right at the 40 minute mark. Then he sprinted out of the terminal and flagged down a taxi. Generally it takes 35 minutes to get to from one airport to the other.. but that wouldn’t really work out very well. 5 minutes to get checked in/through security/to your gate? No way jose. So he told the drive his deal and was like “check it, if you get me there in 20 minutes I’ll pay you $10 extra on top of this voucher.” He got there in 20 minutes.

Once there, he also manipulated the Delta agent into printing him a first class ticket like “hey, you should probably put me on first class so that I can go in the premium security line and actually make my flight.” He ended up making all of his flights on time and flying first class. G status right there.

Plus, now you know what to do next time you’re in NYC and your flight gets delayed. Don’t just sit there and cry – get your ass on another flight and make damn sure they give you a first class ticket. Actually, that’s a good life lesson – don’t just lay down and fucking die when life deals you a wrong. Get you shit together and then brag about how awesome you are for succeeding against all odds.

THE WEB

MUSIC

Freestylers - Cracks (flux pavilion remix) - amazing song... i think jizzed a little the first time i heard it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5ZeukLrD74

Pitbull - Hey Baby (drop it to the floor) - this is like the junk food of music. i fucking love it.. it's ear candy. but subject matter/message is pretty shallow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LefQdEMJP1I

Mimosa - Pandora - just do it. i initially liked it because of the name.. but it turns out to be an awesome song too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2aHgHox5Lo

rebelution - from the window - frat boy reggae ftw! [somebody convinced me that ftw meant fuck the whore for about 4 months once] this song <3 <3 (e.g. this song is pretty great and makes me <3)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RX4BYsH3eek

WEB

http://www.superbad.com/ - just go with it. it's this awesome artist dude who makes some ill web-designs and links them all over the place. some parts of the site are actually narrative - like they tell a story but you have to click the right links to find it all.

space painting - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dY1Lr-yGtd8 - the library is closing soon so i have to hurry but just give it a chance. it looks like it will suck but it gets crazy.

illusions - http://www.dougmoran.com/collections/optical-illusion-pink-dot-circle.html

this is a rareity - an illusion i'd never seen before. its a really cool one too. the dots disappear. legit.

before i die - http://candychang.com/before-i-die-in-nola/

what would you put on that list?

Episode V

THE COLORING BOOK... v

^ that's the first hit on an image search for "happy friday". how awesome is that?

also, if there's a sentence/paragraph that doens't make sense.. comment about it. the paste kept fucking up for some reason. i think i sorted it all out but im not positive.

THE BOXING RING THAT MOVED

Last Friday (like a week ago Friday) – I volunteered to help this guy named Phil Moore move a boxing ring because he’s a really cool guy and he was coordinating the only “golden gloves” in this part of the world. He told me to meet him at the gym I always work out at – it’s called SBGI (Straight Blast Gym International) as soon as I was done at my job. So I did.. or I tried to. He’d said that he would definitely be there because they had to load up the boxing ring, which is no small feat. I got to SBGI at about 1:30 – which was well within the time frame that he gave me, but when I went inside, there was no Phil. What’s more, there was no ring. I guess it just decided to walk out on its own or something? I dunno, so I was asked one of the other guys that works at SBGI where Phil was and he started laughing, like

“Dude you missed him, he already took it over to the Outlaw Inn, you could probably still help him unload it though.”

-- Okay, where is that place? I’ve never heard of it before

"oh, it's by Rosaurs"

-- um.. where is Rosaurs?

“it’s sorta over that way, you can’t miss it” *and he gestured here something between a point and a wave*

Thanks man, super helpful. Especially since main street spits into two different streets – North and South. And of course I managed to forget the name of the place I was going to while I was running *that way* -- so there I am, running in sorta the right way, with no idea what the place was called, looking off both sides for a place that I couldn’t miss. Eventually I realized that I was not going to find it. And that if I kept running I would definitely just miss it and have to turn around. So I was like “shit, what the hell do I do now, I can’t go back to SBGI, they would just tell me the same thing they said last time, and it wouldn’t really help at all. I surveyed my surroundings and decided to try a gas station because I remembered seeing a guy borrow a phone from a gas station on TV once. Sure enough, they had a phone that they didn’t mind me using – so I called and found out that I was literally across the street from where I needed to be. Figures. Oh, and the best part is that after I’d hung up the cashier lady was like “oh, are you going to the golden gloves?” and I was like yeah.. and she was like “oh well I could have told you where that was.

THE REGS (REVOLUTION EVER GROWING STRONGER)

So I thought I’d throw some links in here and ask anyone reading this (as a favor) to check it out. If you don’t like it, so be it. But if you do, then tell everyone you know about it. Can you do that? Please? Like actually, think about it – how often is it that you have the chance to actively help someone else pursue their dreams? You’d probably get on santa’s nice list.Okay, so I thought I’d do a bit of a special section this week because one of my friends got together with another couple of my friends and made a band. The crazy thing is that they’re actually good. They just made a demo with 17 tracks on it and threw it up on youtube and are trying to get a label.

Here’re some links to my favorite songs. check ‘em out:

Animosity – far and away my favorite track – it’s about his ex http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DA4envdCkg

It’s evil if you make it (why we fight) – my other favorite track.. the beat is ill, and his lyrics are awesome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3knr7OqRVA

The Riot Act – Raymond, I love it when you play piano. What is love but genuine lust? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIGqvvxywgE&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Worriless man – kind of a jazz/blues feel to this track, but still good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4yQ_r8N8bI&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Hip Hop Apocalypse Remix – gotta say, molly has a great voice. I think this track needs to be reworked a little bit though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iYpiS4pN8M&feature=BF&list=ULJaZV4riERW8&index=5

HOW TO EXPAND YOUR MUSIC TASTES

While I’m on the subject of music that’s awesome – I thought I’d throw in a little section on how to expand your music tastes so that you can listen to all that awesome stuff in your itunes that you’ve never listened to before. (and that you really can’t remember how the hell it even got into your itunes). Anyway, I developed this technique recently, and it’s worked pretty well for me. Step 1: delete everything on your ipod. It’s not that bad, just throw all your playlists onto itunes so that you can resync it later. Step II: fill your ipod up with music that you have never gotten around to listening to (like all that awesome reggae you got from somebody last year) Step III: take the time to go through and slowly listen to all the albums that you just threw on your ipod, or just put your ipod on shuffle. And yeah, you’ll find a bunch of songs that you fall in love with that you didn’t know existed.

Or, there is an alternative option if that doesn’t sound like you’re style. You can always just listen to the REGS and tell your friends about them. That would certainly help expand your music taste.

GLOVE SAMPLES

I’m slowly starting to realize a couple of things about life. First of all, I’m learning that I need to learn discretion sometimes. I was walking through the grocery store with a friend of mine this past week explaining the irony to him that everyone who attends FVCC is stupid. It’s ironic because the school is called flathead valley community college. Like they all have flat heads because they’re stupid. (credits to Andrew Best for noticing that irony by the way – he pointed it out to me and I promptly told all of my friends about it). Anyway, I was explaining this irony to him when a girl who looked to be 19 walked by carrying a child. Kalispell is quite renowned for 3 things: its quirky, granola, telemark skiers, its meth-heads, and its underage, pregnant girls. I swear that something on the order of 60% of girls over the age of 18 have children. It’s honestly depressing, most of the girls my age already have kids. We actually play a people-watching game sometimes called “mom or sister?” the gameplay is pretty intuitive. So that night in the store, I turned to my friend and was like “hey man, you know why I hate Kalispell? Because that’s her kid” and he thinks that she heard me.. she gave us a look and walked away. She probably heard me.

That same night at the grocery store taught me another life lesson – what you put out to people determines what you get back. For example, if you are very open about how much you enjoy the free samples in grocery stores and joke with the people working the sample booths about how you’re going to trade clothes with your friend and then come back for more so that they don’t recognize you, sometimes you get extra samples. This one old lady, bless her soul, actually told me to take all of her samples. She was like “go ahead, fill up your pockets” then, when I came back around later she gave me a plastic glove (not the gross latex ones) to use as a little baggy and pack full of samples to take home with me. Then, and this is the best part, she asked me to put the baggies in my pocket and keep them out of sight. Somehow, I think I actually may have managed to get a worker to help me shoplift. And all I was doing was being honest about how awesome free food is. Since adopting this mentality of openly scavenging food, I’ve been tipped off about free cake, free popcorn, more free cake, and free scones. I highly recommend it for anyone who likes food, but doesn’t like paying for it.

THE COLORING BOOK THAT YOU ANTICIPATED LAST WEEK

Maybe you noticed last week that I titled the note “in anticipation of the coloring book” that’s because I knew I was going to be writing about the coloring book this week, and that it was going to be fucking awesome. And I am. And it was. My roommate and I have been contemplating/developing a new style of beard for approximately 2 months now. We dubbed it the “coloring book” because you shave the inside part of your beard but leave the outside lines – it ends up framing your face like lines that you’re supposed to color in. it also ends up looking absolutely repulsive. Like heinously so. The best part is that I kept it for a day and went out in public.. nobody said anything to me about it, although one guy did start a conversation with me at the thrift store about clothes. I guess I looked gross enough to be one of his kind. Anyway, we took some pictures of it and a video of people’s reactions. i’ll put the pictures up, but the video is not legit to post.. somehow there was nudity. Like it definitely wasn’t my intent, but I guess my face blew their fucking clothes off? Or maybe one of my friends just doesn’t know how to close the door when he goes to the bathroom.

profile picture status. but not really.

METH. NOT EVEN ONCE.

Across the street from us there are these apartments. We collectively call them “Meth Row” because everyone in Montana does meth, especially the kind of people who live in Meth Row. Well, last week after dinner, I was standing in the kitchen when I noticed some grizzled old man come out of his meth den and walk across the street to stand on our sidewalk. He stayed there for about 30 seconds.. or maybe a minute before walking back into his house. Then he came back out another minute later with two shovels (clue I that he’s a tweaker), walked back across the street and started shoveling the snow berms next to our sidewalk. Berms are giant mound-build-ups that are created on the side of the road (but not on the sidewalk) by the snow-plow machine. Nobody ever shovels them. Ever. It’s a complete waste of time because they only ever occur in space that’s not used for anything. Moreover, even if you were to shovel them because you’re a crazy meth head with nothing better to do, the plow would just build them back up the next day. It’s the Houston equivalent of taking a bucket and trying to get all the water out of the gutters on the side of the street in the middle of a rain-storm. Normal people just don’t do that kind of stuff. Anyway, I told everyone in my house about the crazy guy shoveling our berms for us and we all stood around watching him until he looked up and noticed us. Then Hunter (being the southern gentleman he is) saw it fit to go talk to the guy. Well he seemed nice enough like “yeah, I dunno man, I just get bored sometimes so I thought I’d shovel your walk.” ß clue II. Then I went outside and was like “well that’s awful nice of you, wanna come over for dinner on Wednesday at 6 PM?” and said sure. 6 o’clock Wednesday came and went but the guy didn’t show and we haven’t seen him since.

3-WAY STOPS

To anyone who reads this on a regular basis.. do you remember the section I did on how I caused a traffic jam? Yeah? Well, I did some more investigating, and it turns out that it wasn’t really my fault. Kalispell just simply does not understand the way that traffic works. 3 way stops on a 4-way street do not work. They make this happen:

That thing in the middle is an accident. I didn’t know how else to draw it. Anyway, the intersection that I caused a traffic jam at always seems to be jammed up. So I decided to do some casual snooping in order to determine the real cause of the perpetual gridlock. Turns out that it is only has 3 stop signs. Every time I go past the intersection, I always double check.. thinking that I must have missed something.. that maybe one of the streets is one way. Or even that one of the streets gets significantly more traffic than the other three combined. But none of those things are ever true.

PARTY AT THE HALFWAY HOUSE

Last Friday, a bunch of the kids from my house went to some kind of dance/performance at a local coffee shop with over 100 people at it. (that’s a LOT of people in a small town.. like its actually about 1% of the entire population for miles around)anyway, one of the kids from my house that went decided to invite over a couple girls that we’ve been hanging out with lately.. and somehow the word got out that there was a party at our house. Which is weird because it’s a halfway house… So at 10:45, 15 people show up on our doorstep. We can’t have people over after 11, so any partying was going to be a bit short-lived. Eventually, we got rid of them, but no sooner do they walk out the door than some other guy that we’ve never even met before shows up like “heyyy, I heard there was a little ‘get together’ here” we told him there wasn’t really anything, but he persisted like “oh, well can I just come in for a second” and we were like “dude everybody else is gone already. Get outta here” he left after that. I guess word gets around in a small town. Parties are big news, even when they’re at the halfway house.

THE WEB

Movies.. if you want to watch them go here. I found this site a while ago and I’ve had really good luck with it thus far

http://www.letmewatchthis.ch/

possibly the best commentary that I’ve found this week.

http://www.reddit.com/r/nihilism/

Music

THE REVOLUTION EVER GROWING STRONGER. LOOK UP IF YOU DIDN’T READ TO GET THE LINKS.

Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYIAfiVGluk

Kid Cudi & Rich Hill – won’t you tell me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWsa_jVdZkk

Ziggy Marley – Love is my religion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8oAGvFxevw

i sorta look like i have a gnarly double chin don't i? this picture honestly makes me want to throw up.

much love amigos.

Episode IV

In anticipation of the coloring book.. IV
WHAT CAN’T YOU SNEAK INTO A MOVIE THEATER?

I’m convinced that there’s not much that fits that category. I decided on a whim to test it this past weekend. My friends and I were all going to see Battle LA. Before the movie, we made a pit stop at the dollar tree (great place to shop when you’re a poor college kid by the way) and we all bought food/drinks for the movie. Most of the kids bought a can of coke.. or maybe a 20oz bottle if they were feeling adventurous. I was eyeing that 2-liter of orange stuff. I experimented with it for a bit.. shoving it under my shirt and asking one or another of my friends if it was noticeable. Then I realized that other people in the store would probably be under the impression that I was contemplating stealing their orange stuff. So, I went ahead and bought the stuff, then one of my friends piped up, asking the cashier if he knew whether it was possible to sneak that stuff into the theater. He said that it was totally doable (he was a chiller by the way, long hair, beard.. total ski-bum) – he even offered some advice, he suggested I have a couple of my friends walk in front of me to make it less noticeable. We thanked him for his help and left.

Then, while we were walking around, munching on ice cream and waiting for Battle LA to start, I came to a realization – there was no way in hell that they weren’t going to notice that I had a fucking huge orange bottle under my shirt. I tried shoving it down my pants.. but that was no better. Nobody’s packin that hard. I needed a new tactic. Inspiration struck while I was sharing a coldstone “love it” cup with one of my house-mates. (ben ‘n jerry’s is way better.. don’t ever buy coldstone. And if you aren’t faced with that option because you live in the middle of fucking nowhere Montana, then at least don’t get skittles mixed in, they freeze. Then every time you bite one, you’re in your head like “omgomgomg is my tooth breaking??? Oh wait.. that’s the skittle” and somehow your brain never quite figures out that your teeth aren’t breaking, so you go through the entire ice cream dreading the skittles)

Anyway, inspiration struck me, I decided to take off my jacket and drape it around the bottle, clutching it to my side in what I hoped was a relatively normal hoodie-holding pose. The only flaw was that my left side was immobilized and it was rather obvious that there was something heavy in the hoodie because my entire arm was flexed. But hey, people never notice that shit. Then when we were about to walk in, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to maneuver my wallet/get my ticket with only one arm, so I asked my best friend to buy my ticket for me. I meant for him to buy both tickets as one transaction with the $20 I gave him and then pay me back later. I guess he didn’t comprehend that – he had the lady do it as two transactions but paid for both of us. It’s okay though, the lady probably just thought I was mentally handicapped or something – I definitely heard the girls behind us making fun of me like:

“ohey can you just like order dinner for me, I’m too shy”

Laughter

Ahhahahahaha so funny, let’s laugh at the retard ahahaha. Fuck you.

It’s okay though, they didn’t get 2 liters of orange stuff while watching Michelle Rodriguez fuck up aliens for 2 hours.

On that note:

MICHELLE FUCKING RODRIGUEZ

Is definitely my biggest celebrity crush ever.. including the Emma Watson obsession I had in 3rd grade. which is weird because she’s old enough to be my mom. I dunno man, something about that feisty latin spunk just does it for me. Plus I can totally relate to her, she kicked out of 6 schools growing up. I didn’t quite manage that, but I sure tried. Anyway, she’s still full of wisdom like – “if you ever crave knowledge, there’s always a library” or “If you fear it, run towards it like a train, kid, life is short.” ß possibly my favorite quote ever. Everything she just say is my favorite thing to do too.. like every day. Anyway, that’s all. Just felt the need to get it out there.

IRONY

Okay.. honestly I can’t print this section. At least not on facebook. People might be offended at me. So if you want this section, then either “like” this note or comment in your email or both and I’ll send it to you. Or do neither, but if you do neither then I probably won’t email it to you. Your loss. It’s fucking hilarious. (note the additional level of irony that arises from my inability to print the irony section on facebook because of the irony presented in it) just to pique your interest, it involves an extreme lack of discretion on the part of one, Joe and justice being served to that same one, Joe.

TALENT SHOW

Noah, my best friend here currently, was performing drops of jupiter at a talent show here last Friday night. All the rest of us here got pretty excited about going to watch him/cheer him on. But we were operating under the assumption that it was going to be free. I mean it makes sense for it to be free, why would the hell would they charge us to watch? I dunno either man, it’s kind of a boner-kill. So I got there and saw it was $5 to get in. I thought about paying for a couple of seconds, and then remembered that Noah is just as stingy as me and that he would totally understand/not hold it against me if I didn’t pay. In fact, he might feel bad for me if I did pay like “dude why the hell would you pay? I could play that song for you any time” and without Noah, there’s definitely not $5 worth of talent in Kalispell. Instead, I spent my Friday night on facebook trying/failing to find old friends to talk to. Apparently normal people have lives that don’t revolve around not spending money.

MONTESSORI MISADVENTURES

Honestly, it’s been a pretty uneventful week (relatively speaking) at the school. This one little 5 year old girl named Gabby did invite me to her house though. I met her for the first time and she was like “I like you, you can come over to my house and watch megamind” I was like “uhhh wouldn’t your mom think it a little weird for some stranger to come over?” I didn’t know how to say no without hurting her feelings. She persisted for a while like “no, she doesn’t care if I invite you, you can come” eventually I managed to distract her with something else until she forgot about it. But the best part is that I was talking to one of the other guys that works there.. turns out she did the exact same thing to him. He took the course of:

“hmm, why don’t you invite some of your other friends here?”

“wait, but aren’t you my friend too?”

“……yeah, I am!”

“well then, you can come and watch megamind.”

*sigh* I guess she didn’t get the memo about not inviting strange men 12 years older than you over when your mom hasn’t ever met them. She’s a sweetheart when she forgets about megamind though.

Also, there’s a little girl named Lexy – she was feeling sick one day, so I got assigned to sit with her and entertain her so that she didn’t annoy anybody. I started talking to her for a while about her cat, and then she mentioned that she had dogs at home too. So I asked her “oh! Are you a dog person or a cat person?” she gave me a quizzical look so I thought I should clarify, “do you like dogs better or cats better?” she thought for a good 30-45 seconds before replying “chicken!” with a huge grin. I guess that makes her the first and last chicken person I’ve ever met.

Lastly, and this is certainly newsworthy, enough of the snow has melted that I can finally start playing soccer with the kids – it’s SO much fun. There will be 5-10 of them chasing me around and I’ll just pop the ball over their heads or around them for a while and then pass it to one of the smaller kids who never get to kick it otherwise and watch them all run after the ball. Soccer was such a big part of my upbringing (we used to carry over the score at recess every day) so it’s actually really heartwarming for me to be able to pass that on to the kids.

WHAT THE F*CK GRIZZLIES?

Science shows that grizzly bears will be waking up soon, and when they do, they’ll be fucking hungry. I wish that for once, just one year, they could sleep in. so yeah, what the f*ck grizzlies? What’s your deal?

Why you gotta wake up and eat snowboarders?

THE FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN, BUT THE END IS ALWAYS NEAR

Yo I wrote this heading a while ago and I totally forgot where I was going with this, but it sounds like good advice to me. All roads lead to rome man. Oh, and while I’m at it.. who wants to hear my theory on 2012? It’s pretty good. And it fits the end being near bit.

So, it starts 3-4 billion years ago with the big bang/creation/whatever the fuck you believe in, I don’t care but there’s 3-4 billion years of geologic time on the planet to explain. Well, abiotic-genesis (e.g. the process of something non-living to become living) is REALLY slow. Basically, rocks won’t be taking over the world any time soon. In fact, it takes about 3-4 billion consecutive helpful gene-mutations in order for this to happen. (per my science teacher) The odds of a single helpful mutation are immensely low.. so for 3-4 billion of them to happen annually is basically impossible. The probability is approaching 0 as odds against approach infinity. In fact it’s FAR more (actually, it’s infinitely more) likely that some kind of alien being (or a god) either intentionally or inadvertently dropped some kind of bacteria into the atmosphere and that it developed slowly into our world. Well, I’m not much one for the religion theory.. aliens are just way cooler.

So aliens created us way back in the day and now, for whatever reason, they have decided to check up on us in the fateful year of 2012. I don’t claim to know their motives, but they’re definitely coming. I can prove it – they’ve actually already started the invasion.

In some lake somewhere in California last year, scientists found something puzzling. The found a bacteria able to create its DNA out of arsenic. This was completely unprecedented. Every known organism on the planet uses Phosphorous. They chalked it up to evolution. But we both know they’re full of shit. It’s clearly the beginning of an invasion. The aliens came and left some more bacteria in that lake. And if we let it fester for another 3-4 billion years then we’d probably find a nice roaring culture of arsenic-eating hoodlums trying to take our jobs from us. We need to annihilate the threat now and prepare for the 2012 invasion.

See: http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2010/12/nasa-finds-arsenic-life-form/

FACEBOOK IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO EXPERIMENT ON SOCIETY.

Like social experiments. I know right? Fucking great. Let me explain – In sociology class a couple days ago, the teacher went off on a ramble about American Ideologies. Basically, most Americans want to believe in equal opportunity – especially the middle/upper classes. They want to believe that good things happen to good people, that ragsàriches is possible, and that success is a function of hard work. They want to believe in a just world. According to my teacher, this mentality serves as a protection from having to face the reality of poverty/the role that luck plays in social class. Because then, they might be obliged to help.. god forbid. It makes perfect sense too – think about how much harder it is for somebody born in poverty to work their way into wealth. Especially if they have to drop out of school and get a job to keep their little sister from dying of starvation. It can happen, but it’s extremely hard. And the wealthy are oftentimes “born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.”

Anyway, I recoiled from this when I heard it – like jesus that’s crazy I would never be that guy who just doesn’t give a shit about people. And then I realized that I totally already am, and what’s more, that I never even notice the biases and benefits that I have from growing up in the middle class.

So I decided to do a little experiment and see how many of my friends agreed with said ideologies. I made a facebook status endorsing one them (sometimes you fail and you just gotta get back up and work that much harder so that you can succeed. don't ever let anybody tell you you can't do something. because you can. no matter what happens, you just have to decide that it's worth it to you. Monday at 4:36pm) and within a minute and a half, two people liked it.

The Web: