Episode XI

It’s been a while since I put anything up here. But a week or two ago, a friend told me “my Fridays need more happy” so I thought about it and decided that it was time to start writing again. Well that’s a lie (1).

Why I’m a freak (definitely not just an excuse to put shirtless pictures on the internet)

Sometimes, I seriously don’t understand my body. Like when I get mosquito bites, they swell up HUGE (the size of a quarter) but then they’ll be gone within 3 hours. Similarly, whenever I get sunburned, it’s always gone within a day or two. I did a little experiment. I spent all day outside snowboarding in the middle of summer at high elevations with no shirt and no sunscreen.. here’s a photo-shoot from that day:

Anyway, here’s the photo-shoot from ~36 hours later:

Crazy right? Next time a bug bites me, I’ll be sure to take pictures of that too.

Mayonnaise

I have never really liked mayonnaise. Apparently my boss at Gresko’s (a bakery/food-ery) didn’t know this about me. She told me to make some home-made mayonnaise and gave me a recipe. In order to make mayonnaise, you have to mix egg yolks with oil. Mostly, those two things don’t like being mixed together, so you have to add the oil EXTREMELY slowly. Like two cups of oil drop by drop. it’s kind of a pain in the ass.
 

Anyway, I was doing this and I guess I did it too quickly or something because my finished product had the consistency of watery melted butter with some particles floating in it. My boss was just like “okay, no big deal, just start over.”

So I start over and methodically add the oil over a period of 15-20 minutes. Halfway through the mixture, my solution started to get the wrong consistency. Basically, the recipe they gave me was fucked up because the yolk to oil ratio was horribly off kilter. But, my boss didn’t want to hear it. She had me pluck cilantro leaves off of their stems for the next two hours because I was incapable of making mayonnaise. She showed me. Next time I won’t follow the recipe.

 life is nothing more than an endless series of cooking and cleaning broken only by brief periods of eating

How to score free clothes from your friends: the five techniques.

I’ve turned it into a bit of a science. Here are the techniques I’ve had the most success with. I recommend starting with the first one and proceeding down the list until you succeed.

I. convince them that they never wear it

• a. generally only works if they actually don’t wear it

II. Make fun of them un-mercifully for it

• a. for girls, tell them it makes them look fat
• b. for guys, tell them it makes them look gay
• c. for others, tell them it makes them look like a fat-gay
• d. keep at it until they become too self-conscious to wear it. then, convince them that they never wear it anyway

III. ask to borrow it and never return it (hope they forget)

• a. beware of overuse. you may get a rep.
• b. try the variation, ask to borrow it, keep it for several months, then ask them if you can keep it because they never wear and when they do it makes them look like a fat-gay

IV. Borrow it without asking them first, hide it for several months, then convince them that it is and always has been yours

• a. if this doesn’t work, revert to “III. B”

V. Steal it.

• a. never wear it around them.

What if I was a girl?

Sometimes, I get in these strange moods where I start to think about what life would be like if I was born a girl. Before you tweak out, I asked a bunch of my friends and it turns out this is a totally normal thing to wonder about. But basically, I start looking at my body type and trying to decide whether or not I would have had nice boobs. I’m also fairly certain I would have been lesbian.

I guess the reason that it's weird is that I regularly try to make myself look like a girl. Don't worry, i never leave the house like this. But i decided to straighten my hair and shave my beard. I honestly think i look like a girl from the neck up.

The only purpose men have on this earth is to grow out their beards and spread their seed.

Montessori Misadventures

This may be the final time I write about my Montessori adventures.. I’m leaving this side of the country in 22 days. But yesterday, I was chillin’ with two of the coolest kids I think I’ve ever met. They were 7 and 10 years old. The three of us were all hanging out on the playground talking about little kid shit (mostly cartoons that I’ve never heard of) when somebody brought up Harry Potter. I mentioned the crush I’ve had on Emma Watson since grade school and the little homies snapped to attention. They started giving me advice on how to get with her. I tried to explain to them that she doesn’t know my name and what’s more, doesn’t care to learn it, but they weren’t listening.

They told me I should steal her in a bag and run away with her and then let her out and pretend that I’d saved her.

Then they started telling me all their deepest secrets surrounding girls. The 10 year old (Sam) told me how they’ll break your skateboard over your head at the skate-park if you’re not careful. Then the 7 year old (Joe) told me he wants to cut Selena Gomez’s head off.. which I thought would be a shame. She has a nice head.

Anyway, then Sam starts telling me about Joe’s 6 year old girlfriend Jacquelyn. Joe FREAKED out and told him to shut up and then ran around the playground. But Sam told me anyway.. he was like “Yeah, Joe and Jacquelyn are boyfriend and girlfriend and they’ve kissed and everything…. And they’ve done some stuff that’s just gross.. like Joe didn’t really even want to but Jacquelyn made him”

They wouldn’t tell me what that meant.. I mean it could be something as innocent as eating each other’s boogers. I’ll probably never know.

Sometimes I get angry at Pandora because I make a station with a song and then it never actually plays that song. it plays similar songs, but I don’t want similar songs. I want the song I told it to play. unfortunately, I don’t generally realize the cause of my frustration until I’ve skipped several songs searching for one that sounds good.

Entrance Fee?

A couple months ago I went to a super sketchy used electronics sale with some friends. The dude at the door told us it was $6 to get in and we were just like… fuck that we’re leaving. We walk back outside and this HUGE Mexican dude comes up to us like “ay come with me” Then he says some angry shit in Spanish to the guy that was trying to charge us. They let us in for free. We felt really special until we saw them do the same thing to another group that refused to pay. So basically, they charged an entrance fee from anyone stupid enough to pay it and let everyone else in for free. I’m just glad I wasn’t stupid enough to pay it.

Have a Great weekend.

Episode X

So, the shorter blog is going to be a semi-permanent thing.. like those temporary buildings that schools put up. Mostly because I am crazy busy with life/finals/trying to get my eagle scout before my 18^th birthday and I simply don’t have time to write a 2000+ word entry every week. Anyway, enjoy.

First Things First

I want to give a shout out to any foreign readers. I was looking at the stats for my page (I can actually see a remarkable amount of information about who reads this – e.g. browser used, country accessed from, operating system, time of day accessed.. almost scary right?) But anyway – I was looking at the stats and I saw that I have had views in Mexico, Canada, Germany, Malaysia and the US. The US makes sense.. I mean I live here, I would hope that people from here access it. Mexico and Canada also kinda make sense – I basically grew up in Mexico and I have friends that live there now, and I live about 70 miles from the Canadian border right now, so maybe there was some kind of overlap. But that still leaves Germany and Malaysia. I don’t know anybody in Germany or Malaysia. Like what? How do you find this? (seriously, if you’re reading this and it’s a good story, email me – avi3ndha@gmail.com). But most importantly, you’re awesome. It’s pretty crazy to think that within a month I’ve gained a couple viewers that are people I don’t even know. I originally thought that maybe 3-4 people would actually read this.. but the page has gotten over 150 pageviews in the past couple of weeks. I have set it up so that you guys can all see the page stats too, because they’re kinda fun. Just for shits and giggles ya know?

S&P – Money Shit

So before I run this story, S&P “is a division of McGraw-Hill that publishes financial research and analysis on stocks and bonds. It is well known for the stock market indexes” en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S&P

Because before this week, I didn’t really know what S&P was either. But, basically they’re some of the biggest money gurus in the world. They’re the ones that are like “no loan for you, bitch.” And, well they’re starting to question the US’s credit – they “cut the U.S. credit rating outlook from stable to negative” http://www.bloomberg.com Now, this isn’t the end of the world yet, but it does kinda make me think a bit. What’s going to happen when people realize that the US is not going to pay back its debt? Because realistically.. I’m not so sure that we can. I think that we’re going to start making deals with countries like “hey china, you can put a naval base in California if you knock $100,000,000 off our debt to you.” But there is always the chance that we’ll stop being such pussy faggots and stand up to people like “bitch, we’re the US. We aren’t gonna pay you shit. And if you don’t like it you can eat a fucking nuke.” Or we could just declare bankruptcy and disband the US. That’d be exciting.

1 million dollars.

I ran into a story this week that kinda baffles me. There’s this crazy Russian math dude who’s brilliant right? You can tell it just by looking at him actually:

He solved some really complicated math shit that nobody had solved for hundreds of years and got offered a $1 million prize which he refused “because he knows "how to control the universe."” Now, before I call him out on bullshitting, let’s just pretend that he’s not. So we have this Russian genius who can control the universe right? How does that correlate to him not wanting $1 million? If I could control the universe I’m pretty sure I’d be like “I’m a fucking god. Respect my authority. And give me your money and all your women.” Pretty much like the Vikings did back in the day. One of my friends actually told me about a theory that Sweden is full of attractive women because the Vikings went around stealing all the most beautiful women in the world. And those women had beautiful children, who had beautiful children, etc.

Morgan Files M&M’s

So remember Morgan? Like the Morgan that Morgan hit with a frolf and hit it off with? Yeah, so they sorta went on a date this week. Sorta. I think Morgan thought it was a date but Morgan didn’t think it was a date. That is just way too much fun to do, sorry. From now on Morgan is my roommate, and Morgan2 is my non-roomate. So Morgan called Morgan2 and set up a little get together with her. Then Morgan2 decided to take Morgan to something that turned out to be a pyramid scheme meeting with a bunch of 24 year olds telling Morgan about how he could retire by the time he was 24 with millions of dollars. They spent a lot of energy trying to convince Morgan that it wasn’t really a pyramid scheme.. probably because pyramid schemes are illegal. Morgan hasn’t seen Morgan2 since then. (to my knowledge)

Canadian Coins.

We do our laundry weekly at the local Laundromat. This week, I noticed a sign that I hadn’t seen before:

No Canadian coins? What the fuck? (by the way, I took this picture with my laptop I was proud of myself for being able to hold it/hit the take picture button with one hand) First of all I think it’s hilarious because I’ve lived in Houston my whole life but never seen a “no pesos” sign. Like I thought that was kind of a given. You have to use the correct currency. It seems pretty intuitive. Then we decided to test it out. Turns out Canadian quarters totally work in the machines.. which is doubly hilarious because we probably would never have thought to try that if they hadn’t had a sign telling us about it. And triply hilarious because Canadian coins aren’t worth shit and the Laundromat is a shithole. Maybe if they had a bathroom in it I’d feel bad about using Canadian coins. But they don’t. you have to walk across the street to Little Caesar’s anytime you need to shit.. tell the employees at Little Caesar’s like “Don’t worry man, I’m a friend of Caesar” and then proceed to blow up their toilet without buying anything.

Leaves

We did a little social experiment this week – we made a giant wall of leaves in the middle of the road to test people’s resolve. 85-90% of the people who drove by actually changed lanes to avoid hitting the leaves (including a cop). The other 10% blew our shit up. There have been leaves all over the street for the past week. Also having to do with leaves – I spent most of last Saturday raking because I was told that there could not be a single leaf in our yard. 3 hours and a broken rake later, there were still 1000s of leaves. I gave up. Then I got to scrub blinds for another 3 hours. I guess I should try learning how to clean. But don’t worry, it was all okay because I got to hang out with this really awesome girl afterwards. I dunno how much she wants me to write about her. Might make her feel weird or something. Hey Callie(: by the way. (she reads this). So I guess I’ll leave it at saying there’s a girl in my life for the first time in over 2 years. Weird right? I guess that’s what happens when you stay in the same state long enough to catch your breath. Living in 5 states per year is just slightly over the top in my opinion. Would’ve been way worse to live in all 5 at once though. Anyway, if she doesn’t mind I’ll throw a picture of us up whenever we end up taking one. But unless you want to come to Montana to visit me, you’ll just have to take my word that she’s pretty great. For anyone curious, I actually met her like this:

weird right? I was super skeptical about stuff like this until now. But hey man, whatever works I guess..

yeah, so for anyone curious, that was complete horse-shit. That's not at all how I met her. I found that picture on the internet and wanted to include it in my blog somehow.

Schedule

So, before I forget/run out of time – I probably won’t be writing anything this upcoming week. I’m going to be in the woods from Friday-Sunday. So if I did write something it would be posted on Thursday. But don’t hold your breath. I’ll probably just have extra stories for the week after.

Ground cookie

I’m running out of time here (I have a calculus test in 19 minutes that I haven’t studied for) but this week I found a cookie on the ground in my hour of need. I was fiendin’ for some free food and none of the normal spots had any. Then I looked down and saw this giant white chocolate cooking looming on the grass. It was totally untouched. No bites taken out of it or anything. Naturally, I ate it. It was delicious and it didn’t make me sick. I guess the moral is, don’t be so timid about eating food. If it’s free and it looks tasty, go for it. Your body should know what’s good for it and what’s not.

Montessori Misadventures

I spent about an hour burying kids in rubber chips yesterday. I sorta started a fad when I was like “hey guys who wants to bury me?” They all wanted to bury me. Then, afterwards, they all wanted me to bury them. Turns out shoveling rubber non-stop for an hour is kind of an awesome workout.

Lost

I don’t have time to fully finish this story – but basically my house is completely addicted to the TV show LOST and we were running out of season one episodes to watch. In my infinite resourcefulness, I managed to snag season 2. I had to sit at a bus stop for an hour to make it happen. But it happened. 100% worth it too.

Edit:

Just finished my calc test. Aced it except for the last question. That fucked me. Apparently the Maclaurin series for I definitely didn’t get that.

Edit II:

okay, I'm officially retarded. I actually did get that ^ for my answer. I just wrote it as x^3/3! because I wanted to be fancy. But then when I looked it up on the internet I didn't make the connection that 3! = 6.

Music:

For the music section this week, i picked out a bunch of the filthiest "HOLY FUCKING SHITTING FUCK" dubstep drops i've ever heard. Check em out if you're into that.

Before you go - check out this crazy illusion. Blew my fucking mind. By the way, don't spend too much time staring at it.

Episode IX (Stub)

...IX (Stub)

Believe it or not, that comes up in a search for Happy Friday.

i did not have time to write an entire blog this week - which is rather unfortunate because i did have a lot of interesting things happen to me. but here's a brief rundown of what i learned this week maybe if i put in a lot of pictures nobody will notice that it's shorter than normal.

-Schizophrenia is believed to be caused by a retrovirus present in the DNA of every single human being in the entire world. There are actually a lot of random things that have managed to find their way into our DNA and are passed down from one generation to the next. Plus there's nothing to be done about it so you might as well just get over yourself. You're not even fully human.. Odds are you have some Neanderthal strands in your DNA too from way back in the day when gramps got out and had a bit too much fun. But all of this is old news - doctors have known about it for over 10 years. Too bad nobody ever bothered telling me about it. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/1269155.stm)

-On a similar note, turns out DNA was actually discovered by some guy named Francis Crick while he was tripping on acid. I guess he noticed the awesome helical structures because they were so visually stimulating? Apparently Crick also "argued that life was seeded on Earth by a race of prehistoric aliens." Which, given the odds of abiotic genesis is not that unlikely. Abiotic genesis is the process of something nonliving becoming something living (e.g. rock --> turtle). According to my science teacher (Tim Price) this process takes about 3-4 billion consecutive helpful mutations. The odds of one such mutation are immensly small. The world is only 3-4 billion years old. The odds of one such mutation every year since the beginning of time approaches 0 very very quickly. Basically, we were put here - hard to say by whom or why.. if it was even intentional. But we came from somewhere.

-In other news, it's snowing outside again. i've come to decide that montana has 2 seasons - winter and not quite winter. apparently it's still winter.

can somebody please explain to me why the fuck this came up in an image search for construction worker?

-some guy called my house yesterday looking for Timothy Martin from 111 Shelterview Kalispell Montana. I told him there was no Tim that lived there, and that we were far from 111 Shelterview, but he didn't believe me. He was just like "ok Tim" and then hung up. So i looked up 111 Shelter View/Timothy Martin today. Turns out its a construction company. Which is hilarious because whoever that guy was that called is probably really pissed off at Timothy Martin right about now. Some people are just so fucking stupid

-i went to church on sunday.. you know easter sunday and all. it's the one day of the year that i can dress up and go be reverent. but then afterwards, they didn't have any coffee or donuts. They did have a cake that said "Happy Birthday Fr Bob!" But i didn't feel okay about stealing a priest's cake. So instead, i walked across the street to the Lutheran church and pretended that i had actually gone to church there. They had some fucking great cinnamon rolls. I'm going to hell.

-on saturday, we spent the afternoon frolfing in the park. (frisbee golfing for those who don't know) - Morgan managed to hit some random girl who was sitting there reading a book. Turns out her name was Morgan too. Turns out Morgan also go Morgan's number after hitting Morgan with a frolf disc. Wouldn't that just be too cute? They could send out M&Ms as wedding invites.

-twice in the past week, I've seen the same bum out walking around with super-official looking metal-detecting gear. I guess he's huntin' for gold or pirate treasure or something. Maybe the economy is worse than i thought if it's actually worth his time to walk around for hours on end doing that? or maybe it's a leisure activity that helps keep him away from the meth.

sorry that i couldn't write more than this guys - i've had a really weird week.

Episode VIII

Happy (Good) Friday…VIII

This was a pretty standard week. I spent a couple days really happy, a couple days really sad, a day thinking, a night talking about existential crises, and a few hours writing a blog. Also, if you like this you should hit the button that says "follow." Show it some love.

Walking to practice

This story actually has a moral. For once I’m not just writing an ambling caustic tirade. Don’t ever give up on yourself. In fact, operate under the perpetual assumption of success. Because oftentimes when you pretend that things are going to pan out favorably, you give off an aura that makes stuff fall into place. <-- basically, get money and fuck shit up.

Picture the scene: It’s Monday, 2:00 o’clock in the afternoon. I have soccer practice tonight, but I have no idea when or where it is. And, more than that – I have to go to work until 3, and Noah (the only person in the world who knows when/where practice is) is nowhere to be found. So, I grab my cleats, grab my bike and go to work.

3:00 o’clock – I run into Noah, he gives me all the info: practice is at 5:30 at a field about a 2 mile walk away.

Now all that remains is to convince Kyle (the staff) that it’s okay for me to walk 2 miles by myself on a busy street into a blizzard. I’m not worried though, I got this shit on lock.

-“yo Kyle, I gotta go to soccer practice”

“hmm, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

-“yeah man, I’ve been waiting for this since Christmas”

“well.. how are you going to get home?” (it was about a 3-4 mile walk home)

-“Phil (the other staff) is going to pick me up on the way to Costco later tonight”

“did you work that out with Phil?”

*this is where shit went down.. I totally did not talk to Phil about it, because I hadn’t seen Phil recently. But don’t worry, I’m good at dodging questions on my feet. Plus I’d anticipated this question before I even started the conversation”

-“He was already going to do it for Noah, so yeah, it should be fine”

“well, I just don’t want you to get stranded in this!” *gestures to the blizzard going on*

-“I’ll be fine, worst case I’ll just walk across the street to the college and chill there”

“hmm, are you sure you want to do this? Because that’s the most important thing really”

See what I did there? Yeah. I’m not sure I do either. Like what? ..how did I get you to go from “I don’t want you to get stranded” to “what you want is most important.” I dunno, but I definitely impressed myself. I convinced him it was totally legit for me to walk away into the snow pouring down out of the sky by telling him I would be picked up by a staff who didn’t yet know that he was picking me up. And I did it without lying at all. Like I said, I was feelin some good vibrations that day. I had it set in my head that I was getting on that field. I wouldn’t let nobody tell me otherwise neither.

Then I got there and practice was cancelled. I guess that the rest of the team just wasn’t as dedicated as me. But, it was 100% worth it. I would so much rather show up at a practice that gets cancelled than miss a practice that actually happens.

Meth III – feed the animals

I have decided that Todd, the guy that I thought was the neighborhood meth-head, is extremely lonely. One of my friends ran into him outside the supermarket a couple days ago. He had a bag of assorted nuts in his hand, and he was sitting there, trying to see how close he could get the squirrels to come. As my friend walked by, Todd stopped him,

“see these lil’ fellers?’

-“…yeah”

“They’re my friends, I been feedin’ them all day! Watch this!”

*and he proceeds to hand-feed the squirrel*

Feeding squirrels is a totally legitimate activity. Can’t say that I’ve ever done it, but it’s legitimate. Like feeding ducks in a pond. But all day? And by yourself? I thought that feeding ducks was a social activity. Like “hey brah, wanna come feed the ducks with me?”

Another thing, I don’t buy the story he told us about a doctor telling him to get more exercise. I mean have you seen him? (that’s rhetorical, I know you haven’t) he just doesn’t look like the doctor type. I think he just wanted an excuse to talk to us while we were raking. Fine by me man, I’ll be your friend if you rake my lawn.

Okay, that’s bad. I didn’t mean that. I really didn’t – I totally get being lonely, I honestly feel bad for him. Feeling left out is one of the worst feelings in the world. I do wish he’d be honest about it though.

Montessori Misadventures

This section is mostly more of the same. However, I did have an epic 30 minute light-saber battle with one of the kids this week. I don’t really know how he talked me into it. I was feeling sickly and it was snowing, but somehow I just couldn’t resist retaliating as he tried to slice me into little bits.

Also, I overheard the kids having a conversation – one of them was like,

“is John a teacher?”

And the other one answered, “no, silly, teacher’s are bossy! John’s not bossy, he’s cool.”

Which is good, I definitely wouldn’t want my kids to think I was a jerk. I’m convinced that the Montessori school is the largest congregation of awesome kids in one place in the entire city. Even if they are all 5 years old.

Elyana, I hope you read this. I doubt you ever will, but I hope that someday you stumble upon it. And I hope that, by that day, you’ve developed a sense of humor. honestly, I wish you only the best. Just keep your shirt on.

Did anybody see this picture and wonder what the fuck was going on with it? (I know some of you did)

If you didn’t and you don’t really want to know why it was my profile picture, then the short version is that it’s a long story. And I was fucking with somebody.

It’s a joke that’s been running for two years now. It starts on New Year’s night, 2009. I was with a couple of friends, eating popcorn, playing Call of Duty for hours on end, and definitely not sleeping. Roundabout 3 AM, we got bored of playing COD and decided to prank call some friends who were out getting shitfaced. I was the only one who didn’t actually know the people we were calling. It was perfect, they wouldn’t recognize my number or my voice.

So we called Elise, the girl on the left. She answered and I told her that her boyfriend, Christian (who’s a huge stoner) had been cheesed. In this context, cheesed means busted. I think it’s from a Seinfeld episode.

At first she didn’t believe me, but then she called back about a half hour later (presumably after failing to reach Christian) and she was freaking out.

Like, “who is this?? How do you know??”

I just kept telling her “dude, it doesn’t even matter who I am, Christian’s been fucking cheesed! What the fuck do we do now?”

The next morning, I called Christian and convinced him that I was his guardian angel come to save him from being cheesed. But that’s a totally different story. Elyana (the girl on the right) uploaded that picture to facebook. Then Elise freaked out again (she’s quite good at freaking out) – like,

“what the fuck, take this down!”

And Elyana was just like “why? I’m not uncomfortable with my body” <-- which is kinda awesome

Eventually Elise won and they took the picture down, but one of my friends had saved it on his computer, so I made it my profile picture as a joke. I still wasn’t friends with Elise or Elyana though – so they had no idea that the picture even still existed. Then, last week I was going through my old profile pictures and saw it. I decided to pull it out again, but this time, I sent a friend request to Elyana, just to fuck with her. It’s funny because she’s pretty close to a lot of my friends, so it’s not creepy. Apparently, she didn’t find it very amusing. She ignored my friend request. Basically, fuck bitches, get money.

Blanket Boy

There is a man who roams the streets of Kalispell Montana. He was dubbed Blanket Boy because, wherever he goes, he always wears his blanket. He’s kind of a big deal; everybody around here knows who he is. He’s a local celebrity of sorts.. basically the Montanan version of Leslie Cochran (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leslie_Cochran) <-- this guy is great, he helps keep Austin weird. I do wish he would wear pants though. Anyway, rumor has it that somebody once offered to buy blanket boy a sweatshirt, but he refused. I guess he’s not ready to part with his blankey just yet. The local paper did an article on him a while back, but I when I searched for it all it returned was this article about a guy who spent “more than a year trying to get his son back from the Bahamas.” Well, that headline caught my eye – so I gave up searching for blanket boy. Turns out this guy “returned to Kalispell alone, with the expectation that his wife and child would follow later. They never did, and his wife eventually cut off communication.” Really, this just reinforces my previous contention: fuck bitches, get money.

http://www.flatheadbeacon.com/articles/article/kalispell_man_reunited_with_son_after_15_months/20493/

The Morgan Files

This week, Morgan began the long process of re-growing his beard. He also said something in his sleep that I remember being quite odd/amusing. Unfortunately, I was in that state of consciousness when he said it where you KNOW that you will remember it in the morning even if you don’t write it down.. and then you forget it in the morning. So I haven’t a clue what it was.

But, he did get me into some great music recently. It’s a band called A Silver Mt. Zion. However, I need to put a little disclaimer here – it’s not easy listening at all. It’s totally different than that ear-candy I posted two weeks ago. You have to actually give it a chance.. probably a second and third chance too. But I promise, if you are a somewhat dark, cynical, discerning person with an open mind toward music, it will eventually start to consume you. The lyrics and vocals are hauntingly brilliant. Here are a couple links to the songs that I found to be the easiest to listen to:

Horses in the Sky – this was their first song that I actually genuinely liked/became obsessed with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5f1ntFu9vo

God bless our dead marines – the part where he starts talking about friends he’s lost gets me every time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBXANsCdT7c

Irony IV

Sometimes people amaze me. Sometimes, they amaze me in a good way, like those people from Mississippi that Phil was talking about (www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7JBpYRwHyM) <-- people from Mississippi. But sometimes, they amaze me in a bad way. Honestly, I probably should not post this story. It could get blown out of proportion, made into a giant therapeutic issue/brought up in group. At the moment, however, I don’t really care; I’ll just do my best to recount the events as close to reality/bias free as I can.

Several weeks ago, I found a bike in our basement that was broken and looked as though it had been there for an eternity. I went around asking everyone if they knew who’s it was for about a week before determining that it was legit to fix/use. So, I fixed it with the help of some friends (the front wheel was on backwards and totally off kilter, and the handlebars were extremely loose) and started riding around the city on it. This morning, one of the girls saw it and was like

“hey! That’s my bike!”

-“oh.. is it cool if I use it?”

“yeah, I mean it’s broken” (insinuation being “I don’t want it anymore anyway.. I’m just amazed that you would want to ride such a shitty bike)

-“it was, I actually fixed it”

Then later, she confronts me with one of her friends,

“hey that is NOT cool, you didn’t lock my bike.”

-“I thought you didn’t want it anymore?”

“you said yourself that you fixed it. If it gets stolen you’re buying me a new one”

-“Ummm.. no I’m not. If you don’t want me to ride it anymore then I won’t. But I went around asking everyone if it was theirs before deciding it was nobody’s and fixing it”

“clearly you didn’t ask me. You’re buying me a new one”

______________________________________________________________

I have several issues with this whole sequence of events:

I. why is your friend with you? Are you that scared of me? I mean honestly.. that’s kind of offensive – it’s not like I’m going to fucking assault you. I’m just going to bitch about it on the internet later.

II. So you don’t want your bike when it’s broken, but once I fix it you reclaim it? Maybe this is reasonable.. but it doesn’t seem like it. If you give a ripped shirt to your friend and they sew it back up I don’t think you just get to take the shirt back normally. I am willing to acknowledge that she didn’t explicitly *give* me the bike, but she did leave it in the basement of a house she wasn’t living at for approximately 10 months. And she definitely didn’t sound like she wanted it when she thought it was broken

III. Why so confrontational? I honestly was willing to give her the bike back (which is why I offered to not ride it any more) but sheesh. That hurt my feelings. I don’t think I was doing anything wrong in my ignorance – and if locking the bike is the issue, I can always lock it with my friend’s (which is what I went and did after this whole debacle). But girl, take a deep breath, you sound like you’re about to have a hernia. I mean, I get it, a lot of people are mean to you/don’t like you and you’re bitter about it. That doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me.

If it does somehow get stolen, (despite being locked with my friend’s lock) I think that I will buy her a broken bike. Like here ya go, I’m not fixing it for you this time. All of this just because she hurt my feelings. . maybe I should just get over it. Add it to my list of reasons to hate humanity.

I swear it’s the same

I had an interesting thought this week. I like whole milk way more than I like 2% milk.. but it has twice as much fat in it. Which means it’s twice as likely to make me hate myself when I drink it. So, I decided to start buying a half gallon of whole milk instead of a whole gallon of half milk. It’s the same amount of fat but I enjoy drinking it way more.

Ears and Stuff

This is distinctly in the “news that doesn’t matter but I’m still including” category: I pierced my ear last week. Now I have a subtle little stud in it. Thus far everyone has liked it. Thank you for your time.

Here’s the only picture I have of it so far (sorry about quality, I don’t have a camera so I had to use my computer’s built in one):

The Web

Links From Blog available up and over ---> that way

Funsies/Pranks:

http://www.qualitysilkplants.com/ct332.html <-- i really, really want one of these. They’re hilarious, you throw them at people and shout “CACTUS!” while it’s in the air. Then you laugh.

http://www.switched.com/2009/10/13/usb-computer-prankster-will-make-everyone-in-the-office-hate-you/<-- this is also in the category of things I really want. Some people make the coolest toys!

http://dogandponyshowwebsite.com/learn-how-to-hack-those-electronic-road-signs-its-really-easy <-- i’m not sure if this is true or not. But if it is, it’s definitely on my to-do list. Oh, but don’t actually do it. Pretty sure you could go to jail. And if you do it, take pictures and send them to me. But be sure you’re wearing a mask so that nobody can tell who you are. Plus, read the comments on this page. Fucking great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuyM0UnBPMY <-- I confess, I stole this from the defranco show. But it’s still fucking great. Some hotel decided it would be funny to dress a random guy up like Justin Bieber and have him wave to a bunch of teenage girls from the roof. *facepalm*

http://www.looplabs.com/ <-- not a prank, but this is a great time-waster. Unless you’re good, then I guess you could make bank? I dunno, I thought it was fun. Especially since you don’t have to download anything and it’s free.

Music:

So I found out this week that Pitbull straight up steals beats on a regular basis. At first I was quite peeved with him. But then I realized that it meant that he’s just helping me find some of the most awesome songs I’ve ever heard in my life. Plus, I do enjoy Pitbull’s music. I’m devoting most of this section to sharing the real songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSzpOUwiLkc <-- this is the song behind Pitbull’s Hotel Room Service. It skyrocketed to the top of my most loved music this week, no contest the best song I’ve heard this week. Or last week. Or the week before.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3S4dBk4E1g <-- this is from “Bon Bon.” I love this song, but honestly, I might like Pitbull’s just as much? I’m not entirely sure if I really like Bon Bon or if I just like the music video for it.. They’re both good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL1hlzLsUaU <-- and of course, Calabria. If you haven’t heard this song, you really need to. It was a huge club hit when I was in Bolivia.. it definitely has some fond memories attached to it. Unfortunately, Natasja (the singer) died in a car accident in 2007 :( no more calabrias from her I guess. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natasja_Saad) <-- her Wikipedia page

Pitbull’s songs:

Hotel Room Service (push the feeling on) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2up_Eq6r6Ko

Bon Bon (we no speak Americano) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9O72RLP5fF4

The Anthem (Calabria)- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5nFbWLfRMc

And lastly, some chill songs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzdR3zOGVO8&feature=feedlik <-- this is the kind of song that you can forget you’re listening to but then once it stops you’re like wtf, my life just got a little worse.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxvpctgU_s8&feature=feedlik<--I don’t quite understand the name of the song.. I don’t think anyone could ever fall out of love with Sharon den Adel. Especially when she sounds like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2RCCDSBEGk <-- this guy’s a hoot. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about his music but it’s catchy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dON2VJh2h68 <-- 420 ooooh yay. drugs! lets smoke like a genie and get super blazed! ahhhh, I almost made it through this without making a 420 reference. But not quite. I had to pay tribute somehow. "we have weed in our cakes and oreos." Pretty great song. If you don't know what 420 is then look it up. (here's a start, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=420) april 20th is 4/20. get it? start connecting the dots. i know you can do it.

Episode VII

Blanket Boy's Pierced Ears.. vii

Please… can we figure this out before I look like even more of an idiot?

I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time – it’s been happening for a while and I just kept forgetting to include it. So, at the Montessori school I’m assigned to garbage duty every Thursday. Basically, I wheel out the garbage cans to the street for the school and for all our neighbors. It’s supposed to be a total of 10 cans that I wheel out (I always end up with either 9 or 11.. wondering where the fuck I went wrong). But anyway, one of the teachers there was like

“oh wow.. trash duty. They must not like you. I had that a while ago, it’s awful”\

-“honestly, I don’t really mind it that much, especially on a nice day, it’s a nice little break from the classroom”

“yeah, I guess. I just feel really awkward going up into their yards to get their trash cans.. Jean (that’s my boss) acts like we’re doing them this big favor, but really nobody has ever asked them if they even want us to take their garbage down to the street. And if it were me, I’m not sure I would want some strange guy coming into my yard and taking my garbage can.”

-“woah… yeah, I didn’t know that”

Seriously? Just have Texas John go and do the dirty work? It’s Montana, I could get fucking shot by some crazy meth-head. But the story gets way better. When I had that ^^ conversation, I didn’t really believe the teacher. I was like “oh well… why would they care?” but then, the next Thursday, I went to get one of the trash cans and found it locked to the porch with a bike-lock. Like “NO. DO NOT TAKE OUR TRASH.” Plus the lady who lives there glared at me as I came walking up. I guess it’s all in a day’s work.

Irony III

This one’s about yon Joe and more of his adventures.

Montessori Misadventures

It’s been a while since I’ve done this section.. because I tend to do more or less the same thing every day. And as fascinating as it is to me, I know that you don’t want to hear over and over about how great that game of glue tag was. (if you do you, can always just re-read old episodes). But a few crazy/cute things happened this week

I. – The kids invented a new game. It’s called the “let’s steal John’s hat and hide under the pavilion with it” game. It’s actually really fun, I get to chase the kids all around the playground for a half hour or so. They all conspire against me to keep me from getting my hat back until it’s actually time for me to go. They’re pretty good about giving it back then.

II. – unfortunately, they’re not always good about letting me go. Even when I’m already late because I lost track of time. (yes I know, that’s a fragment.) Lately, they’ve taken to all grabbing a-hold of me and refusing to let go. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole. I pry 3 of them off and then 4 more grab on to me. It’s okay though, it just means that I have to start trying to leave about 5 minutes before I actually have to leave. I’m training to be a parent. (did your parents ever do that? Like okay kids time to go! 1 hour later…. Okay kids, REALLY, time to go. And then it’s another ½ hour before you actually leave).

III. – Most of the kids who come to the Montessori school have very young, very attractive moms. It’s actually kinda crazy –I’ve never seen that many milfs in one place before. Plus a lot of them volunteer there – and they’re all super nice too. Anyway, one of the kids named Mason comes up to me on Monday and he’s like

“hey John, my mom says you’re sexy!”

“uhhh what?”

“my mom, she keeps telling me how you’re sexy”

2 questions kid:

1 – where did you learn that word? You’re 5.

2 – is your mom single?

Yeah, just thought I’d include that because it was super validating. It made me feel good about myself until I realized that it didn’t change the fact that Michelle Rodriguez has no clue who I am.

Munch. Munch Munch.

That’s the sound a fairy muncher makes. I think I can actually take credit for that term? Pretty sure I developed it. I definitely popularized it. My original definition of a fairy muncher is anyone who deletes a facebook comment. It tends to have a negative connotation E.g. “that stupid fairy muncher.”

I started using it because I needed a way to describe the frustration I felt when I would go looking for a comment and find that it no longer existed. Fairy muncher just seemed to fit. Hitting that little “x” is like munchin on a fairy

Then it morphed and became a generic term for someone who has taken to munching fairies/being obnoxious/stupid on a regular basis.

Just another reason not to make friends anytime you’re in Montana

Although, to be fair – I think this is more a “don’t make friends on the bus” issue. I was riding the bus, talking to Noah about something sarcastic (I don’t remember quite what) when crazy lady in front of me starts to turn around and grin. I’d seen this behavior before from bus-goers. Generally it’s an indicator that they’re trying to decide how heinous to make their interruption. I went for the glare method (e.g. glare at them as they start to grin and hope they take a hint).. forgetting that my glare needs improvement.

Crazy chick was undaunted – she sounds slightly hungover as she pipes up,

“so, I’m trying to get my degree online”

*at this point, noah goes for the “duck and cover” method. He hid behind the seat. it worked for him, but I was already stuck in the conversation*

Not wanting to be rude, I replied very courteously, but with subtle intonations indicating my disgust, “oh yeah? What’re you majoring in?”

“oh you know, I’m trying to get a degree in business, but I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes online. I’m not so good with technology najklnbsdainqionvajauigiasunvjsdbnas baisufasbv asdjvnajslvnsaibgoiu asjkbvjknajklsdfasjdbnaksv sdqowiasjnvalksjdf. I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes! Sajlknvajksnhvauhqwiounba vbv asdhfvsajdbn vx n asdhbjsabkjcbahbdaf jalkjdsb sadv I gotta take classes to learn how to take my classes!”

*she kept repeating that point.. thought she was awful clever she did.*

-“yeah sounds crazy”

“yeah you know, I just want to be able to help people, like maybe design a super-race or something”

-“oh yeah?”

“yeah, because you know, I have 100% immunity – like I’m immune to everything and I just want to be able to use that to help other people, you know – do something good for mankind.”

*struggling not to laugh* “oh wow, yeah that sounds really helpful”

“yeah you know, I really just want to help people so that maybe someday they can all be like me”

I shit you not. That is as close to verbatim as I can remember. I had to bite my tongue. I almost said “too bad you’re not immune to obesity.” Anyway, she went on to tell me how “my son goes to the same school as you and is in the honor society and drives a red Volkswagen. Oh and by the way his name is Xanthium. Just don’t tell him I told you or he’ll get upset that his square mom was talking about him” <-- her word choice is ironic because she was literally square, but not slang-square.

Prom.

Prom. So before anything, I want to say that it was amazing. I saw 10-20 of my best friends in the entire world for the first time in months. And I finally got to experience that amazing sensation that you can only get when you’re surrounded by a crowd of people, letting your body flow to their rhythm with music playing loud enough for the vibrations to dislocate your ribs. With 20 of my best friends in the world no less. But I have 2 complaints:

1 – why do I have to grow up? It made me realize that seeing those people – the friends whom I love will never again be mundane. It will always be a big deal. (which is nice in a way.. I guess) but even coming home.. seeing my parents/my dog/my house is an ordeal. Sobering thought right? Really I think I just suffered from the lack of an afterparty. It gave me a weird feeling somewhere between homesickness and wanderlust.

2 – why would you ever, EVER get a dj from Kalispell named DJ Q? more like DJ WillYouPleaseSTFU? I’m pretty sure that he literally did not know what dubstep was. Almost everyone at the dance asked him to play more dubstep and all he said was “I’ve been playin’ it all night man.” Um… no? no you really haven’t. sorry man, but contrary to public belief metallica and Ke$ha do not magically combine to make dubstep.

Meth – round II. I lost this one.

We had another interaction with Todd (that’s the name of the crazy meth-head I invited over to dinner a couple weeks ago). He came outside and started helping us rake our yard. We got to talking.. turns out he does stuff like that because his doctor told him that he doesn’t get enough exercise. He figured he might as well help people out while he exercises. No, he’s not a meth-head, and yes I am a fucking asshole. Sorry man, I really am – I mean you’re still crazy and only have one tooth, but as far as I can tell you’re nothing more than a sweet, lonely man who’s just as scared of a premature death as the rest of us are.

My no boost. <-- for any wondering, that’s the first sentence I ever said. Apparently, I didn’t want my mom to boost me up into the car.

Olivia, one of the few friends I’ve managed to make at the school had some crazy shit happen to her a couple weeks ago. (it actually provides even more evidence for the scarcity of sanity in Kalispell). She was minding her own business, wiping down a table at work when some lady comes up to her and asks her if she could please “marry me over the phone to my husband who’s in prison right now”

Seriously.. who does that? I mean clearly somebody in Kalispell does. Anyway, Olivia said that she would (really there’s not much else that you can say.. like NO I WILL NOT PRESIDE OVER YOUR WEDDING). So she got her boss/2 other people to be the witnesses and helped them with their vows. Then they got the groom on the line and did the thing right there. Good thing she hadn’t already used her phone a friend lifeline. Okay sorry, that was lame.

That sounds like some Alice In Wonderland shit to me:

And then a sofa came from within the trees, flolloping (for that is the most precise way to describe a sofa’s movement) up to Alice.

“please,” the sofa begged, “could you preside over my wedding?”

-“whoever could want to marry you?” Alice asked, before clasping a hand across her mouth – as though attempting to prevent the distastefulness of her comment from leaking out into the world.

But the sofa was unfazed, “why the TV of course!” it replied. “we’ve been engaged for 3 years! Have you not heard? No matter, no matter, We would have long since been married.. probably divorced too. If only I could have found a minister sooner. But now I’ve found you!”

-“but.. I’m not a minister.”

“nonsense, pure poppycock. I do wish you were an honest minister. No matter, no matter. It shall have to do, I simply must be married!”

-“excuse me! I shan’t do anything for you until you lose that tone.”

“right you are. I do apologize, I simply have cold legs!”

Alice looked down and did indeed notice that the sofa’s legs were completely engulfed in snow. “Oh my! We must get you someplace warm. Where is the TV?”

“he’s been chained to Humpty’s wall since the day that I met him 3 years ago, but don’t worry, he has promised me that he will tear himself free and elope with me as soon as we could find a minister to marry us”

Alice looked up then, and noticed that there was a rather large brick wall with a TV resting on top. And there, sitting in the utmost repose, occaisionally flipping from one channel to another sat Mr. Dumpty.

“Quickly! Quickly!” the sofa urged alice, “do you take my beloved TV to be my lawful wedded husband until the day you die?”

-“I suppose I do” replied Alice

“well do you or don’t you, for if you don’t I must be off to find a new minister!”

-“oh goodness, I do.”

And with that the TV leapt down from atop the wall and shattered on the ground. The sofa flolloped away with a curiously satisfied look in its cushions, while Mr. Dumpty flew into a blind rage.

“Goddamit you fucking bastard child” he shrieked, “I hope your ancestors all die in childbirth. You filthy wh….” But his rage was interrupted – for in his blindness, Humpty had accidently stumbled off the side of the wall. He splattered on the ground, splashing yolk on Alice in a most repulsive manner.

______________________________________________________________

Wow, did I really just write that? I honestly didn’t intend to write a short story. It sorta just happened. It’s actually quite layered. Subtlety, I believe it’s called. Hope you found that enjoyable.

The Morgan Files

For those who don’t know, I have a roommate. For those who don’t know, his name is Morgan. For those who don’t know, he’s the fuckin’ man and I love him a lot. Plus, he’s quite a character. He was the co-inspiration for the coloring book, and for most of the other awesome things that I do. This week, we collective decided that it would be a good idea for me to include a section in this blog called “the morgan files.” Its sole purpose is to follow the weekly undertakings of one, Morgan Kulkin.

So… this past week, Morgan shaved his beard into a mustache, was complimented on his mustache by some random guys driving down the street, was hit on by some Mexican dude on facebook, and shaved his mustache. Also this week, Morgan decided to shout out “watercolors…. Oh wow!” in his sleep. Neither of us can quite figure out why.

The Web (-----> look over there for quick access to this section now)

News about news and the like

I’m quite a fan of news about news, especially when the news within news contains jokes within jokes. Like the story about how a Fox News reporter played an april fool’s joke on his fellow reporter. It’s funny, I was under the impression that the entire show was a joke..? Basically he gets her to lick an ipad and it’s hilarious. Definitely worth checking out: http://www.tipb.com/2011/04/06/wednesday-fun-video-news-anchor-cohost-lick-ipad-april-fools-joke/

Also, if you have not seen the Scarlet takes a tumble video yet.. it’s a must see. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIwTYL1fwJk

That lady has millions of people laughing at her. In fact, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1FBqwjzbSA

She has people laughing at people laughing at her. That’s pretty impressive Scarlet.

For funsies

http://features.cgsociety.org/newgallerycrits/g85/362285/362285_1232630961_large.jpg

so yeah… I saw that and was like wtf. That’s not cool at all. But check it, that’s 100% cgi. I thought it was real.

http://stories-etc.com/awards.htm

sometimes the stereotype is actually true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icjasmCEoqM

Logorama – this video is brilliant, if you have 16 minutes of your life to spare. If not, then it’s your loss. It’s not funny or particularly crazy. But it’s impressive.

Music

Kesha – blow remix. Kasha is one of my guilty pleasures. I think this is one of the best remixes I’ve ever heard. Ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul2-c2pxQqo

Zion y Lennox – Ahora. First heard this song on an old version of FIFA (the soccer game). It’s not bad for some latin shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlyMT82-Afc

Zion I – Coastin’ – literally the best song to listen to when you’re standing on top of a mountain looking at the line you’re about to cut down 3 feet of powder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrvvDnFGfjY