Episode XII
…(not) again.
I had people to do and things to see this past
year. But my sabbatical is over for the next hour because I don’t feel like
doing any more homework right now.
Math Teacher Blues
My math teacher comes in late to class every
now and then, and always has the same excuse. She says that she got scared of
bears and rapists on her way to work. We told her to invest in some bear spray
but that didn’t seem to calm her down. Now we give her shit any time she brings
up bears or rapists. Or rapist bears. But seriously, what’s the big deal? I
mean surely she’s a little too old for the Pedo Bear’s taste..
Let’s just hope she doesn’t go MSU style on
us.
But
actually, this makes me so psyched for grad school. I can’t wait until I can
strip down butt ass naked and shout at kids and then get off scot-free. It’s my
backup plan to get 15 minutes of fame when I realize that I’ll never win a
Nobel prize.
Butte Shithole
So my
school’s soccer team took a trip to Butte Montana
(pronounced like “beautiful” without the “iful”) last weekend. I must say, it
was quite the educational affair for me. I had never heard of the Butte
Shithole before. Basically, they used to mine like motherfuckers a while ago
and didn’t know how to dispose of their waste. Now they’ve created a monster.
It may look
pretty, but it’s filled with “copper, arsenic, cadmium, zinc, and sulfuric acid”
that have leeched out from the rocks. It has a pH value of 2.5.. roughly the
equivalent of lemon juice. In 1995, a flock of migrating geese took refuge in
the pit. They never left. 342 geese carcasses were recovered in the months that
followed. Now they have a man sit out there with a gun to scare away geese.
Problem solving at its finest.
But that’s
not the worst of it.. them hicks don’t quite know how to dispose of the pit and
it’s water level is rising, which means that “by around 2020, the pit water
will reverse flow back into surrounding groundwater, polluting into Silver Bow
Creek.” The kicker is that they charge visitors to look at it… this is capitalism
at its absolute finest: “we are the best at being godawful.. let’s charge
people to look at us.”
It’s rumored that the geese are joining Al
Qaeda in the attempts to mobilize a counterstrike avenging their 342 fallen
comrades, but as yet these rumors are unverified. There is also some
speculation that Barrack Obama fucked their plans up by killing Bin Laden. Again
unconfirmed.
For the record, we won our game against
Montana Tech 3-0. Hurrah.
