It’s been a while since I put anything up here. But a week or two ago, a friend told me “my Fridays need more happy” so I thought about it and decided that it was time to start writing again. Well that’s a lie (1).
Why I’m a freak (definitely not just an excuse to put shirtless pictures on the internet)
Sometimes, I seriously don’t understand my body. Like when I get mosquito bites, they swell up HUGE (the size of a quarter) but then they’ll be gone within 3 hours. Similarly, whenever I get sunburned, it’s always gone within a day or two. I did a little experiment. I spent all day outside snowboarding in the middle of summer at high elevations with no shirt and no sunscreen.. here’s a photo-shoot from that day:
Anyway, here’s the photo-shoot from ~36 hours later:
Crazy right? Next time a bug bites me, I’ll be sure to take pictures of that too.
Mayonnaise
I have never really liked mayonnaise. Apparently my boss at Gresko’s (a bakery/food-ery) didn’t know this about me. She told me to make some home-made mayonnaise and gave me a recipe. In order to make mayonnaise, you have to mix egg yolks with oil. Mostly, those two things don’t like being mixed together, so you have to add the oil EXTREMELY slowly. Like two cups of oil drop by drop. it’s kind of a pain in the ass.
Anyway, I was doing this and I guess I did it too quickly or something because my finished product had the consistency of watery melted butter with some particles floating in it. My boss was just like “okay, no big deal, just start over.”
So I start over and methodically add the oil over a period of 15-20 minutes. Halfway through the mixture, my solution started to get the wrong consistency. Basically, the recipe they gave me was fucked up because the yolk to oil ratio was horribly off kilter. But, my boss didn’t want to hear it. She had me pluck cilantro leaves off of their stems for the next two hours because I was incapable of making mayonnaise. She showed me. Next time I won’t follow the recipe.
life is nothing more than an endless series of cooking and cleaning broken only by brief periods of eating
How to score free clothes from your friends: the five techniques.
I’ve turned it into a bit of a science. Here are the techniques I’ve had the most success with. I recommend starting with the first one and proceeding down the list until you succeed.
I. convince them that they never wear it
- a. generally only works if they actually don’t wear it
II. Make fun of them un-mercifully for it
- a. for girls, tell them it makes them look fat
- b. for guys, tell them it makes them look gay
- c. for others, tell them it makes them look like a fat-gay
- d. keep at it until they become too self-conscious to wear it. then, convince them that they never wear it anyway
III. ask to borrow it and never return it (hope they forget)
- a. beware of overuse. you may get a rep.
- b. try the variation, ask to borrow it, keep it for several months, then ask them if you can keep it because they never wear and when they do it makes them look like a fat-gay
IV. Borrow it without asking them first, hide it for several months, then convince them that it is and always has been yours
- a. if this doesn’t work, revert to “III. B”
V. Steal it.
- a. never wear it around them.
What if I was a girl?
Sometimes, I get in these strange moods where I start to think about what life would be like if I was born a girl. Before you tweak out, I asked a bunch of my friends and it turns out this is a totally normal thing to wonder about. But basically, I start looking at my body type and trying to decide whether or not I would have had nice boobs. I’m also fairly certain I would have been lesbian.
I guess the reason that it's weird is that I regularly try to make myself look like a girl. Don't worry, i never leave the house like this. But i decided to straighten my hair and shave my beard. I honestly think i look like a girl from the neck up.
The only purpose men have on this earth is to grow out their beards and spread their seed.
Montessori Misadventures
This may be the final time I write about my Montessori adventures.. I’m leaving this side of the country in 22 days. But yesterday, I was chillin’ with two of the coolest kids I think I’ve ever met. They were 7 and 10 years old. The three of us were all hanging out on the playground talking about little kid shit (mostly cartoons that I’ve never heard of) when somebody brought up Harry Potter. I mentioned the crush I’ve had on Emma Watson since grade school and the little homies snapped to attention. They started giving me advice on how to get with her. I tried to explain to them that she doesn’t know my name and what’s more, doesn’t care to learn it, but they weren’t listening.
They told me I should steal her in a bag and run away with her and then let her out and pretend that I’d saved her.
Then they started telling me all their deepest secrets surrounding girls. The 10 year old (Sam) told me how they’ll break your skateboard over your head at the skate-park if you’re not careful. Then the 7 year old (Joe) told me he wants to cut Selena Gomez’s head off.. which I thought would be a shame. She has a nice head.
Anyway, then Sam starts telling me about Joe’s 6 year old girlfriend Jacquelyn. Joe FREAKED out and told him to shut up and then ran around the playground. But Sam told me anyway.. he was like “Yeah, Joe and Jacquelyn are boyfriend and girlfriend and they’ve kissed and everything…. And they’ve done some stuff that’s just gross.. like Joe didn’t really even want to but Jacquelyn made him”
They wouldn’t tell me what that meant.. I mean it could be something as innocent as eating each other’s boogers. I’ll probably never know.
Sometimes I get angry at Pandora because I make a station with a song and then it never actually plays that song. it plays similar songs, but I don’t want similar songs. I want the song I told it to play. unfortunately, I don’t generally realize the cause of my frustration until I’ve skipped several songs searching for one that sounds good.
Entrance Fee?
A couple months ago I went to a super sketchy used electronics sale with some friends. The dude at the door told us it was $6 to get in and we were just like… fuck that we’re leaving. We walk back outside and this HUGE Mexican dude comes up to us like “ay come with me” Then he says some angry shit in Spanish to the guy that was trying to charge us. They let us in for free. We felt really special until we saw them do the same thing to another group that refused to pay. So basically, they charged an entrance fee from anyone stupid enough to pay it and let everyone else in for free. I’m just glad I wasn’t stupid enough to pay it.
Have a Great weekend.
